• I started a snowball fight with Tom Green the end of the first show tonight. Get down here! #
• I think the best way to enjoy the Grammies is to avoid them altogether. #
• I say: rip jibberty doo! // RT @patdixon: It's either get busy living, or flip getty dingflam. #
• At The End, awaiting glorious hilarity from Neil hamburger and chris crofton. Come on out nashville. @nsup #
• @noonthirtythree Thanks! I have a couple upcoming Nashville shows: wed 2/3 8pm Hard Rock Cafe and fri 2/19 9pm Music City Bar & Grill in reply to noonthirtythree #
• Watching hockey I always channel don rickles #
• Hard Rock Cafe Nashville TONIGHT, 8pm w/ @stevehofstetter. tickets: $17 at door, or $5 tix at http://picksteve.com w/ promo: CHADFIVE #
• Happy Black History Month! or as they call it in Alabama.. February. #
• I'm on webovision! The Channel at TomGreen.com http://ping.fm/kQBke – maybe next time I'll be *funny* on the webovision.. #
• Another awesome thing I have been on in a completely incidental fashion is "The Sound Of Young America": http://tinyurl.com/yb2gtqk #
• After Obama's superbowl party politicians will work together, putting the best interest of this country in front of partisan power moves. #
• PLUS, our dicks will all double in size and each household will receive blessings from The Lord. #
• This "Tea Party Convention" is going on RIGHT NOW here in Nashville.. not a lot of media are allowed in.. so they can all use the N-word? #

• Is is the second supermarket I've been in today where I can't find the latest issue of MAD magazine. WTF is going on with this planet?! #
• introduce her to Weird Al's version. MUCH better. // RT @superpixels How can I stop my nearly-8 gal from singing Eye of the Tiger? Really. #
• The goodwill for Haiti is nice and all, but where was all this concern for them a month ago? Things have sucked (bad) there for a long time. #
• Watching the Caprica pilot, popping a virtual boner. #
• @ Zanies' open mic tonight with various funny peoples.. then th-sun w/ Tom Green. Should be pretty fun. http://ping.fm/r1yR8 #
• Today's the big day Apple gives us all a huge iBoner! can't wait. #
• the Apple iPad looks sweet, but I'll stick to my trusty Newton Message Pad 2100 thank you very much. #
• Apple iPad!? NO THANK YOU. Why buy that when the Microsoft Surface is just $5000 and *almost* as portable as a refrigerator? #
• Hahaha // BREAKING: Bunch Of Phonies Mourn J.D. Salinger http://onion.com/aMxPaR (via @TheOnion) #
• TOM GREEN F**K the Weather BOGO Tix Special for 1st 50 -615.269.0221@ Fri Jan 29 @7:30 or 9:45 http://bit.ly/cEppcj (via @zaniesnashville) #
• @ Zanies w/ Tom Green thru Sunday. Screw the snow! Come on out, roads are ok. #

• According to Twitter I’m supposed to be watching the #goldenglobes? The thought never occured to me. #
• too cruel? RT @comedynews: Jay Leno is a joke robot on auto-pilot with zero self-awareness | Las Vegas Sun http://tinyurl.com/yb5fqh3 #
• Jay Leno did NOT seem like a “nice guy.” Am I the only person who was paying attention 1992-3? Also, his show has ALWAYS been terrible. YES. #
• http://twitpic.com/yre75 – Jay Leno is the cicada of ruining late night tv. #
• Return of the Jedi? // RT @shanagallery http://twitpic.com/yuh0p -Newish painting, 16″ x 16″. untitled at the moment but taking suggestions. #


The result of my alien encounter.

• Callia was late to school. Signing her in, I had to write down the reason so I wrote, “ALIENS!” Not even a smile from them! C’mon.. #
• I’ll be hanging around NYC mid-March. I can’t wait to get back to the city that never lets me sleep! http://ping.fm/InecY #
• masturbating bear! #TEAMCONAN #
• I’m With Dipshit! #TeamDipshit http://ping.fm/S3KOL #
• The All-White Basketball League?! Good luck with that, Crackas. http://ping.fm/beYHc #
• I know tonight is kinda Conan’s night, but can we get #TeamDipshit to trend? No? Fair enough. http://ping.fm/S3KOL #
• tonight I’m hosting the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS” stand-up comedy contest at Music City Bar & Grill in Nashville: http://adjix.com/saks @nsup #
• So what happens when Jay Leno’s “new” Tonight Show fails? Who takes over the show when he leaves? ..are we closer to Bill Hicks’ prediction? #

Show the world whose side you’re on!

Feel free to use wherever you like (twitter/facebook/blogs/etc) for non-commercial purposes.

- Chad Riden

There are now rallies scheduled nationwide! For more info Click here!

I’m With Dipshit

• I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, with the utmost sincerity.. SUCK IT, LENO! He’s like the cicada of ruining late night tv. #
• if nobody EVER talked to me about sports again, it’d still be too damn soon. How ’bout them Idle Conversations, huh? HELLUVA SEASON. #
• Kudos to Conan for standing up for himself, AND considering what is “fair to Jimmy Fallon”. If only Leno thought of anyone but himself.. #



• TEAM CONAN! #teamconan (even though I watch Dave Letterman live every night possible & catch conan later) #
• Fantastic I’m with COCO image // RT @carynloveless: http://www.sirmikeofmitchell.com/imwithcoco/ #
• just did an interview for the fine people at CandidCareer.com – I hope I wasn’t too candid about my “career” telling wacky poop jokes. #
• Today, I gotta be honest: I’m not feelin’ you. I hope you get your shit together and shape up into an awesome Tonight, otherwise we’re thru. #
• Dick Ebersol has the balls to talk shiz about Conan O’Brien? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t he the twat that ruined SNL from 1980-85? #
• just above my bedroom in the wall somewhere.. my house makes a noise like a hammer tapping a 2×4.. every 5 seconds or so off and on all day. #
• people say the noise is air in the hot water pipes, pipes about to burst, and/or Recurrent Spontaneous PsychoKinesis (gh-gh-gh-ghosts!) #
• I’m not sure which is worse: farty plumbing? slowly exploding house? or a mildly annoying poltergeist? #
• maybe I can get @JoeSouthards to bring his ghostbusters tricorder over and scan the house thetan level (or whatever). #

• HEY, producers of that Prevacid ad where the stand-up comic made fun of a guy for getting up and walking out during a show.. #
• 

  an Ass Hat

  ..the average comic isnt an ass-hat. we generally dont make fun of people unless they bring it upon themselves (like you, weird looking guy) #

• watching my TiVo’d SNL rerun. Dave Mathews Band has been playing this same song for what, 15 years now? & I thought I hated it way back then #
• TiVo is set to get anything “Premier/ pilot/ finale” – I almost deleted “Pet Psychic Encounters” then thought, “WAIT – I need new material.” #
• “Pet Psychic Encounters” is as retarded as you’d expect.. and I’d love to mock it, but I can’t tolerate this old british woman’s accent. #
• I love the way late night infomercials for POS workout devices repeatedly say “buns”. #
• Spending entire day at the dentist having my teeth replaced with steel teeth like Richard Kiel as Jaws in The Spy Who Loved Me & Moonraker. #
• Bottom teeth out, new steel lowers / deadly anti-spy weapons are in. Already accidentally bit my tongue off. #
• Not if you have Internet voting. // RT @punchlinemag: if we have a funniest Valentines Day video contest would you enter? #contest #comedian in reply to punchlinemag #
• http://twitpic.com/wyykr – My new teeth look exactly like this. #
• @nsup @nashvillecomedy The Emergency Backup cans of Fresca I keep in my trunk have frozen and exploded. That’s good thinkin’! #
• Lady at dentists office:”kids think they’re not cool if they don’t have the latest gadgets.” me:”they AREN’T cool, but toys won’t fix that.” #
• I’m pretty sure dental hygienists leave the Nitrous oxide hose thing on so they don’t have to look up your nose the whole time. #
• Nashville schools are closed today because they THINK it MIGHT snow an inch. Have not seen a single flake yet. Pussies. You’re all pussies. #
• We’ve gotten a light dusting of snow. Good job Nashville schools! You’ve protected our children from getting slightly moist. #

• New Years Resolution: work much harder at growing my beard to be the awesomest MFing beard you’ve ever seen in your whole damn life #
• Callia talking smack to the Pokemon Battle Revolution Wii game: “Is that a lamb? You better call Little Bo Peep.” #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 420. OMG, we’re not going to reach 1,000 by New Years Eve, are we?!? O-M-G #
• finally uploaded a video to Funny or Die: “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” http://tinyurl.com/FOD-roadkill #
• RT @ScottAukerman:Any time I see an attractive woman on TV or in the movies, I think, “Oh, she’s pretty-what job is she pretending to have?” #
• RT @GregFitzShow: I have a really good podcast, but too few followers. Please send a message to friends so I can break 6k by 2010. Thanks! #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said and did (or didn’t say and do) in 2009. #
• Crappy New Year to: overbearing neighborhood associations. You’re all creepy as shit. I hope your houses burn then flood. #
• Crappy New Year to: any cop that hands out tickets for a living. I hope your family is victimized while you’re clocking speeders. #
• Crappy New Year to: partisan zealots. Our 2-party system is the problem. Disband all political parties and force people to think. #
• Crappy New Year to: insurance companies. Suck it. What a scam you’re running.. I hope our entire fake economy crashes. #
• Crappy New Year to: the ass-clowns ruining WRVU-FM. Vanderbilt has some really cool people.. but there are also Total Dicks. #
• Crappy New Year to: people offended by the word “retarded” – mentally handicapped people aren’t.. and YOU are silly. #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said in the last thirty seconds. #
• Crappy New Year to: career politicians. You should all make minimum wage, live in public housing & rely upon welfare. #
• Crappy New Year to: Wall Street. Anything that can fluctuate in “value” by major percentages a minute HAS to be worthless. #
• Crappy New Year to: anything “too big to fail” – those are exactly the things that should fail. You’re all wrong and retarded. #
• Crappy New Year to: anyone who gave up on the dream. The difference between success and failure is your choices. #
• My 6-year-old daughter just asked me to play Spin The Bottle with her. I have failed as a parent. #
• OH. Her version of Spin The Bottle is you do an impression of whoever the bottle points to. Her impression of me is funny, not flattering. #
• When Callia says “I’m starving to DEATH!” she means, “I could eat about four chicken nuggets.” #
• Crappy New Year to: jackasses who drive past my house doing twice the speed limit, revving their minivan engines to their pathetic limits. #
• Crappy New Year to: dipshits dropping bass beats (as if it’s still 1992) while creeping past my house at 2 mph at 3 a.m. — die in a fire. #
• “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” – just wrote up ‘the rest of the story’ on http://ping.fm/sfVuD #
• Probably more lifelike than he is in person. // RT @michaelianblack The CGI Carson Daly looks amazing!!! in reply to michaelianblack #
• Finally defeated New SMB Wii. I think this means I’ll be a drunken nerd “achiever” who over-eats but doesn’t sleep in 2010. Awesome? #
• @ sams, boozin it up with my lovely wifera. Come on out errbody, drinks are on you! #

Of course, the jackass is me. This is a video clip I previously put on the YouTubes but I just put it up on the FunnyOrDie the other day, so I thought I’d re-whore it.

It’s a mostly true story recorded May 18, 2009, at Zanies in Nashville, TN during Mary Mack’s cd release show. I did a rambly 35 minute set of stories that I (mostly) had never told on stage before & this was probably my favorite clip from that:

In the video I said it happened in February, but it was actually January 13th, as evidenced by my twit (twat?) on Twitter.

The end of that story is the big writer’s embellishment – I didn’t string it up in the back yard and field dress it while the neighbors watched in horror. I wish I had. I thought I could find a guy to come cut it up that night, but no-can-do. I ended up going back out on the road for a few weeks.. salivating every time I thought about it’s sweet, FREE, organic goodness. Next thing you know, it’s been a month or two and the thing is still frozen solid.

My Lovely Wifera & her friends wouldn’t let me hear the end of it. Any time I tried to tell them how to live their lives (and apparently I do that a lot), they’d say, “OH like I’m going to listen to you, YOU’VE GOT A DEER IN YOUR GARAGE.” Maddening. I had to put an end to the jibber-jabber. I was home for a while so I borrowed an electric saw from my dad & thought I’d go ahead and thaw Bambi out and see what I could do with him.

Turns out, a frozen buck is incredibly difficult to get out of a chest freezer – especially if you’re as weak and lazy as I am – plus it was too heavy for one person to lift as a fresh kill. My Lovely Wifera Laura was no help to me.. she absolutely refused to take part at all. I gets no support! No support, I tell ya! Even if I did have her help, there’s no way it would have come out of there.. I had to thaw it first.

I cut the power to the freezer the morning of May 30th and figured it would thaw over the course of the day & I’d cut it up that night. Guess what? It takes about five days for a frozen deer to thaw out. FIVE days. Five days of waiting and worrying. Five days of “I told you so”s. Five days of “hey Chad, I saw a squirrel on the side of the road yesterday.. want me to run by and see if it’s still there?” Five days of “WTF am I doing with my life? I’ve got a college degree, for shit’s sake.”

By June 4th, it was finally pliable. I tied a rope to its antlers, ran it thru a pulley hanging from the ceiling of our garage, and tied it to the bumper of My Lovely Wifera’s truck. I inched it forward and pulled the deer up out of the freezer and let it hang over a 55 gallon trash can. No, I’m not white trash at all.. I’m endearingly resourceful, despite my complete lack of funds, class and common sense.

I used a steak knife to slice it from its balls to its throat, hoping the guts would more or less neatly dump out. It looked easy in the YouTube video I watched.. but I guess rednecks are way better at this kinda thing than jackass comedians are. I had a few complications. The guts of MY deer were still solid ice. It was a pain in the ass to get ‘em.. but with frozen fingers, I was able to pull it all out. Unfortunately, the impact of the truck had broken the rib cage and ruptured the guts pretty badly.. so the surrounding meat wasn’t edible. Oh well, plenty of salvageable stuff left.

I used the saw to cut the forearms (or whatever you call deer legs – drumsticks?) off at the joints and started skinning it. The meat looked pretty good.. the thing just generally smelled game-y. If any deer happen to be reading this, you guys should think about showering every once in a while. Maybe if you took a dip in the creek you’d be able to score more does when you’re out strutting around the glen, waiting to dart out into traffic.

My brother Kirk assured me this entire process would take around 45 minutes, but I think he underestimated my gross incompetence. Somewhere around 3-ish a.m. I was getting sleepy, but visions of venison stew and jerky and burgers and steaks and sausage kept me going. As I pulled the hide off the nub of one of the elbows.. maggots shot out.

MAGGOTS!

“That’s it, I’m done.” I thought. I tried to make it work, but that was a quitting point if I’ve ever seen one. The hide had been ruptured at the elbow, the ribcage and on the head. I guess a fly found it’s way to lay some eggs in the elbow at some point? Realistically, I probably could have used 70% of the thing’s meat, but even I have limits. I started having doubts when I saw how the ribcage looked.. but when I saw mf’in maggots I was able to accept defeat and call it a wash. When it comes to cleaning out the fridge and eating questionable stuff, I’m a human garbage disposal.. but there’s no way I could have eaten any part of this thing without that image of little wiggly larvae shooting out of the elbow coming back to haunt me. I’m ready to vomit now, and it’s been months.

I lowered the deer into the trash can and loaded it up into the back of Laura’s truck. I washed up and hauled the corpse off to a wooded spot down the road where I could dump it. I came back home, and hosed off the trash can and felt like Dexter cleaning up the garage.. except my inner monologue wasn’t unnervingly adorable psychotic rationalization – it was my wife’s friends telling me how bison-shit crazy I am.

Lesson learned! Roadkill is ONLY acceptable if it’s fresh & you field dress it IMMEDIATELY. Just don’t leave it laying around too long. I’m sure you already knew that.. some of us watched Bear Grylls eat rotting Camel ass on Man vs. Wild and thought, “I could do that.” The rest of you have common sense. I’ll admit when I’m wrong, dammit. I guess I’m less of a Hunter.. more of a Gatherer.

• Watching David Letterman try to knock his Christmas tree down with a motorized cupcake http://bit.ly/8ta0ur @Late_Show #
• You missed it! Next one is 1/22 // RT @daynise @ChadRiden See you at the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS COMEDY SHOW” http://tinyurl.com/nofriends-1-2010 #
• I almost said to my 6-year-old: “Come on, you’re acting like a little kid!” *almost*. #
• Last night, Callia said, “Daddy, it’s HARD taking care of a child.” “How do you know?” “*I’m* a child. I can tell.” #
• Finished off the keg of Longshot ‘96 Hazelnut Brown Ale. Impatiently waiting on my Old Rasputin Imperial Stout clone to finish fermenting. #
• Merry Christmas! Happy Jew-time! Kooky Kwanzaa! Funky Festivus! ..or whatever the hell it is you celebrate, enjoy it. #
• setting up the Santa snare. I think this is the year we finally snag that sum-bitch. #

Here’s my annual Holiday Times posting of the clip of me starring as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Enjoy: