I just got my Power Chair Scooter for FREE!

• If you can’t trust “the Juggalos,” WHO CAN YOU TRUST!? Of course, if I could throw piss-filled balloons at Tila Tequila, I probably would. #
• http://ping.fm/Bcwzl – I just got my Power Chair Scooter for FREE! Thanks Medicare! Get yours today from TheScooterStore.com #
• Everyone has the equal right to believe whatever they want.. and I believe that everyones beliefs are equally stupid. #
• Tonight I’m cooking up a giant kettle full of Don’t Give A Crap. Come on by! There’s plenty for everyone. #
• RT @comedynews Paul Reubens Playboy Magazine Interview http://adjix.com/zyt7 // holy crap! @peeweeherman please make “Death Wish Pee-wee” #
• RT @angelbomb: @ChadRiden When you coming back to MN, homey? // no idea. Petition ACME or somebody to bring me up there. #
• I just want to point out that I predicted Google Wave’s miserable failure immediately: http://ping.fm/FbS7a #
• my absolute favorite song of all time: Uncle Pecos on ‘Tom and Jerry’ singing “Crambo”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xGC9mNwTwQ #
• honestly, I’m more interested in hearing about innovative uses of anti-social media. #
• The tagline for Comedy Central’s “Big Lake” should be “drown in disappointment!” #
• there is just not enough time for all of the hating-stuff that I’ve been meaning to do. Sorry guys. #

Originally this was directed to one person who was blowing up facebook talking shit, totally unprovoked. I’ve since removed the references to that one specific talentless, hacky, derivative, delusional moron to reinforce the reason this kind of thing is so frustrating: this happens all the time.

Clueless, entitled twats are everywhere.. and they don’t understand why everybody doesn’t just hand them a stack of money and a development deal. They aren’t self aware enough to realize that they’re a dime a dozen, doing nothing unique or original or even noteworthy.

I literally met this guy once at a show and apparently he walked away expecting me to run a publicity campaign for him. For free. For his shitty act which was a terribly un-funny rip off of a SNL character from 15 years ago. He thought I was going to run home and get to work researching what the hell it is he does and then stop everything I’m working on to go out of my way to promote him? I’m not on your staff, jackass.

This happens to me a lot. Ten years ago, I inherited NashvilleStandUp.com from another comic who was moving on & I’ve tried to use it to build up and promote the local scene. It’s something I did because there were a lot of really talented people creating incredibly funny stuff and I felt lucky to be a part of it.

Of course, there’s always whiners and complainers. I’m not doing enough, I’m doing too much, I play favorites, I’m elitist.. 100% of the time, these people are the ones who choose to spend their time bitching about what other people are (or aren’t) doing instead of doing something productive themselves. Instead of writing comedy, they spend their days telling people that “this scene is too clicky.”

If THAT’s what your conversation is about then shut the fuck up. Be funny or fuck off.

If you want me to promote your shit, first you have to give me something to promote.. (and it has to be WORTH promoting!).. and and you have to make it easy for me to promote. If all I have to do is cut and paste your press release, chances are way better that I’ll do it.

And if I don’t? It’s probably for one (or more) of the following reasons:
1 – You’re not funny.
2 – You’re a dick.
3 – Your project (whatever it is) sucks.
4 – I’m busy working on MY projects (or projects that PAY $$$).
5 – It got lost in the shuffle (TONS of people send me stuff, and there just isn’t time to look at it all).
6 – I haven’t gotten to it yet.
7 – I forgot.

I hate stupid drama, but I bring this up because I want to make sure everybody understands something:

NOBODY owes you a god damn thing. I *choose* to promote shit I think is funny (and a lot of shit that I think is fucking mediocre at best) because I want to. If someone you barely fucking know don’t drop everything on their schedule to do something for free for you, it’s probably because that’s not how the world works.

Anybody who thinks they deserve this or that just because they exist.. just because they showed up.. just because they want it.. is a fucking idiot and doesn’t deserve shit.

However, if you’re doing something cool/unique/funny/interesting/whatever and want some help promoting it, give me a yell. I’d love to be involved. Just make it easy for me to help you:
1 – Learn how to write a press release. Then do that.
2 – Get some professional photography done.
3 – Get good looking and sounding audio and video clips made.
4 – Make promo kits. Then put that shit into my hands or inbox. (Also, put it online! There’s this thing called the internet, use it.)
5 – Follow up. Remind me, but don’t pester my ass.
6 – Be a professional.
7 – Be nice.
8 – Maybe do something for ME. When was the last time you promoted one of MY shows out of the goodness of your heart? Have you ever bought me a beer? How often do you talk to me when you DON’T want something from me?
9 – Hell, do something for YOURSELF. If you don’t have enough sense to do the things I’ve listed above, what makes you think I’m going to do something for you?

This isn’t a new idea or unique to me, this is how the fucking world works. I’m not a dick because I didn’t pick up the pieces of your open micer existence and build a 360 promotion deal and 50-city theater tour for you.

I’m sick of the idea that if I don’t do a complete stranger a favor by promoting his terrible, shitty act – I’m somehow wronging him. That, right out of the gate, I owe this goof something. That I should devalue myself, my brands, and the actual, WORKING comedians I associate with to promote some fuck-nut’s half-assed amateur bullshit.

I’m not a “gatekeeper” for comedy – I built a website 10 years ago to promote the local scene. If you don’t like what I do, fucking make your own website, you idiot. NashvilleStandUp isn’t a public utility that everybody has some birthright to utilize.

If you are pissed that I haven’t done FREE publicity for you.. keep in mind that this is one of the things I do for a living. YOU ARE NOT MY CLIENT. GO FUCK YOURSELF.

• This just in! Kanye West twittered something CRAAAAZY! (fart) #
• thanks to the team at Riden Auto, I now have a car fueled by the urine of the homeless. #
• ladies, “that’s what HE said” is NOT necessarily interchangeable with “that’s what SHE said” #thatswhatHEsaid #
• “just the tip” #thatswhatHEsaid #
• True, “everything happens for a reason” – but sometimes that reason is “because Daddy drinks.” #

“Winner for the comedy contest.”

Isn’t that awesome!? OMG, that’s going straight into my bio. Such kind words! Such praise! Such apathy! What an honor. Read more about their contest over at DreamRow.com.

They also interviewed me a while back about getting started in comedy, NashvilleStandUp.com and the Nashville comedy scene in general. Read “Standing Up For Local Comedy” over on Dream Row.

Here’s that video that won their contest:

The same crap is also up at FunnyOrDie.

Here’s a sampling of the feedback they heard from me:

I do appreciate the opportunity to enter to win a $500 American Express gift card! ..and I’ll bet I never hear any more about this from them ever again.