Jun 12 2010
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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-06-12

twitter | June 12, 2010 at 6:59 pm

  • this is my favorite photo so far from the whole BP oil spill fiasco: http://ping.fm/ROXJj #
  • someone just asked me if there are any stand-up open mic’s at Bonnaroo. Of course there are. Absolutely. See you there! #
  • you know it’s a good meal when the aftermath looks like a pagan sacrifice took place. http://ping.fm/zg1Ut #
  • Somebody just puked in the pool. Way to ruin it for everybody, kid. #
  • I wanted a cold beer. I envisioned a cold beer. I manifested a cold beer. mmmm. http://ping.fm/JMYEu #
  • RT @cnnbrk Rig survivors: BP ordered shortcut on day of blast http://on.cnn.com/b6JPul // way to go, jackasses #
  • RT @cnnbrk BP says it’ll donate sales of oil skimmed from surface of Gulf to wildlife fund http://on.cnn.com/cY13TN // slow, sarcastic clap #
  • Wed, I’ll be doing 30 minutes of hilarious pre-Bonnaroo comedy at Wingaroo: http://ping.fm/TEx3n #
  • I only have two things: my friends and my thermos. #
  • Tonight @ Wingeroo! 6:30pm Wingers Grill and Bar; 138 Relco Drive; Manchester, TN 37355 – come on over, hippies / hipsters! #
  • Show was delayed due to rain.. We’ll get started in a few. Come on over hippies, I can smell you. I know you’re here. http://4sq.com/9HbomR #
  • I-24 West @ exit 110 – ramp is a parking lot. Interstate traffic still flowing. #
  • Just drank two beers on @conanobrien ‘s tab (!) – thanks @reggiewatts and @stuckeymurray – have fun on the rest of your tours. #
  • RT @JerriBlank: Submit your life-altering choice and I promise to be glib! // I want to look cooler. What body part should I get amputated? #
  • @RobertWeedman @bdonahueweedman are you two sitting next to each other, communicating via Twitter? #
  • two shows tonight and two shows tomorrow in Johnson City, TN – let’s keep it classy, East Tennessee. http://ping.fm/QF8Yh #
  • RT @BryanMills Where are your shows in JC? // Comedy Zone @ the holiday inn; 101 W. Springbrook Drive; Johnson City, TN 37604 – 8 & 10pm #
  • I just missed my exit because I was steering with my knee, writing jokes about computer operating systems.. ’cause I’m smart! #
  • SCRATCH in Johnson City, TN: The best pizza in all of east Tennessee, hands down.. And plenty of good music on vinyl. stock up on chocolate sydneys, or you’ve failed. #
May 22 2010
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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2010-05-22

twitter | May 22, 2010 at 6:59 pm
  • the sensation of a tick crawling on your ass is unmistakable.. but you’re guaranteed to think you feel it again when you’re trying to sleep. #
  • if I’m going to beat @aplusk & @britneyspears to 5 Million followers I think I’m going to need a good old “Colbert Bump” from @StephenAtHome #
  • This just in: all the tv networks announced their lineups of crappy new shows they’ll cancel as soon as they air. Tune in! #
  • Dear Ted Turner, Cartoon Network should spin off a second channel called NOT Cartoon Network for all these shitty live action kids shows. #
  • totally pissed that I’m missing #davecon10 – @billlehecka & @micahwhite – please tell everybody in attendance that I said, “suck it.” #
  • Megan Fox won’t be in Transformers 3!? Where will they find another actress with the acting chops to fill the “generic hot girl” role? #
  • Every time I pack a school lunch for Callia I think about how funny it’d be to replace her drink box with a can of beer. Criminal, but funny #
  • @TheNashvillian & @bdonahueweedman – I don’t have any idea what’s going on in Nashville comedy, but @NSup & @NashvilleComedy sure does. #
  • just imagining Callia’s frustration cracks me up. She’d pick up the can of beer, look at it and scream “DADDY!” and be pissed. ha ha ha. #
  • I’m probably psychotic for finding joy in that, but just knowing how irritated she’d be with me is hilarious. #
  • then there’s the school freaking the hell out. that’s a whole other level of awesome. then the police show up and the laughing stops. #
  • I’m at Your Mom’s House (cheaney glen drive, Old lebanon dirt road, Hermitage). http://4sq.com/dq4Uhk #
  • Mohammad Draws Mohammad and gives the thumbs-up for “Everybody Draw Mohammad Day” …so… it’s totally ok now: http://ping.fm/Pskec #
  • OMG errbody, I can’t wait for the LOST finale! I don’t know what show to obsess over next.. maybe Gilmore Girls? NO, that would be stupid. #
  • RT @cklouis I have a great idea how 2 plug the oil leak in the gulf of mexico.kick sarah palin right in her stupid vagina.Then plug the leak #
Dec 26 2009
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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-26

twitter | December 26, 2009 at 9:59 am
  • Watching David Letterman try to knock his Christmas tree down with a motorized cupcake http://bit.ly/8ta0ur @Late_Show #
  • You missed it! Next one is 1/22 // RT @daynise @ChadRiden See you at the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS COMEDY SHOW” http://tinyurl.com/nofriends-1-2010 #
  • I almost said to my 6-year-old: “Come on, you’re acting like a little kid!” *almost*. #
  • Last night, Callia said, “Daddy, it’s HARD taking care of a child.” “How do you know?” “*I’m* a child. I can tell.” #
  • Finished off the keg of Longshot ’96 Hazelnut Brown Ale. Impatiently waiting on my Old Rasputin Imperial Stout clone to finish fermenting. #
  • Merry Christmas! Happy Jew-time! Kooky Kwanzaa! Funky Festivus! ..or whatever the hell it is you celebrate, enjoy it. #
  • setting up the Santa snare. I think this is the year we finally snag that sum-bitch. #
Dec 19 2009
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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-19

twitter | December 19, 2009 at 9:59 am
  • Sold out show tonight with @vinniecoppola, @chadriden, & Brian Malis. Crowd is trickling in http://twitpic.com/ta9kh (via @varietytheater) #
  • Sponsors-schmonsors. Tiger Woods is already richer than anyone ever needs to be. I’d sell that house and disappear forever. #
  • Registered for the UT-Knoxville alumni Apprentice Program, hoping some students will want to drink beer and be a smartass for a living. #
  • Geeks Gone Wild! at the Chrismahanukwanzakah Party Thu! Ugly xmas sweater = free drink! http://urlzen.com/10wg (via @nashvillegeeks) #
  • I had fun, thanks!// RT @geoffsmith @ChadRiden Thank you for your comedy tonight. You really hit the nail tonight. You are one talented guy. #
  • I’m such a whore: // Ho ho ho! Win a Macbook Pro from @dealsplus for Christmas. Details here: http://bit.ly/7kMWCB #
  • The “I HAVE NO FRIENDS” Stand-Up Comedy Contest – TONIGHT, 9pm: http://ping.fm/n3vP8?eid=215354301991&ref=mf #
Dec 05 2009
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Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-12-05

twitter | December 5, 2009 at 9:59 am
  • I just generated my #TweetCloud out of a year of my tweets. Top three words: tonight, comedy, night – http://w33.us/2kit #
  • http://twitpic.com/rpdom – The Reindeer toilet. If this is in your house, I hate you. #
  • It’s childish, I know.. but I snicker every time the CNN anchor says, “Cyber Monday.” Cyber-anything = “cyber-spanking it” in my mind. #
  • You’re all invited to “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo” – dinner & break-dancing movies tonight at my house: http://adjix.com/xbvq #
  • Turkeys are cheap if you buy em the day after Thanksgiving. The bird is in the oven! The kegerator is full of Paulaner Hefe-Weizen! #
  • AND after the meal, we’ll be gathering around the tv to watch the break dancing cinematic classics Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2. #
  • (I hate sports, so this is what we do instead of watching football or whatever it is people do.) #
  • I KNOW we did the exact same thing Feb 25th, but “Electric Boogaloo” is too fun to say & “Thanksgiving 3: Electric Boogaloo” sounds stupid. #
  • Technically, this could be “Thanksgiving 4: The Quest For Peace” – but I don’t want to over think this. #
  • I know it’s late notice, but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it for any reason, we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us. #
  • The E! Network interrupted the Punky Brewster ‘behind the whatever’ show with “breaking news” about Tiger Woods. Suck it, everybody at E! #
  • Thanks to everybody who came out for “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 2: Electric Boogaloo’er” last night. Turkey + booze + breakin = fun #
  • Random Chad Fact: I have an insane, irrational hatred for sports, athletic ability, and physical effort in general. #
  • Having tooled around with Google Wave for all of 7 minutes, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a failure and they should turn it off. #
  • Watching Maria Bamford’s free ONE HOUR HOMEMADE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL again. You should too: http://mariabamford.com #
  • Cash is great. I also take checks, paypal, cheese, beer and pictures, but leave only footprints & the scent of cheep booze & beef jerky. #
  • every news show on tv has turned into some retarded mix of Entertainment Tonight, Mtv News & the end of Planet of the Apes. #
  • my favorite thing on Twitter: random person says, “Get 1000′s of followers!” – then you click on their page and they’ve got 42 followers. #
  • I still view everything as a giant jocks vs. nerds struggle. I was in a bar this weekend and football was on tv.. #
  • ..someone asked me “who’s your team?” and I told them “I wish they ALL would lose.” You should have seen the confused stares. #