Cledus' Kick-Fightin' School

We tried to enroll Callia into the same secret ninja school Batman went thru, but it wasn’t until after we’d carried a weird flower up a snowy mountain that we discovered that the place had burnt down? Dejected, we looked into ninja schools closer to Nashville. There wasn’t a great selection to choose from. We visited Cledus’ Kick-Fightin’ School, but were unimpressed. For one thing, they had no affiliation with any higher organization.. but most frightening was they didn’t seem to have any rules other than, “don’t be a sissy!” We decided to keep looking.

Eventually we found Spirit Marital Arts in Hermitage. They’re good people and seem to have their stuff together. This weekend, they’re doing a board break-a-thon to raise money for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. It’s a good cause and the kids will have fun smashing stuff, so there really isn’t a downside to it.

If you want to donate a few dollars, it’s totally tax deductible.. here’s a way to do it via PayPal:

MY LITTLE GIRL BREAKS WOODEN BOARDS WITH HER HANDS!

UPDATE:

Thanks to everybody who has donated! Here’s what went down (kinda):

Callia Lee Riden would like to announce her intention to run for President of The United States Of America in 2040. This is all we have for her platform so far, but we’ll keep you updated.

A brainstorming flow-chart from school: "If I were a president.. I would gife free pupys.. I would make big bildings.. I would shutdown ware.. I would make free ice crem." Me, too.

Here’s a thing we made during the snow a couple weeks ago starring Lacy, Guido, Ace, Laura, Callia and myself.. and introducing “Bertha The Snow Girl.”

• New Years Resolution: work much harder at growing my beard to be the awesomest MFing beard you’ve ever seen in your whole damn life #
• Callia talking smack to the Pokemon Battle Revolution Wii game: “Is that a lamb? You better call Little Bo Peep.” #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 420. OMG, we’re not going to reach 1,000 by New Years Eve, are we?!? O-M-G #
• finally uploaded a video to Funny or Die: “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” http://tinyurl.com/FOD-roadkill #
• RT @ScottAukerman:Any time I see an attractive woman on TV or in the movies, I think, “Oh, she’s pretty-what job is she pretending to have?” #
• RT @GregFitzShow: I have a really good podcast, but too few followers. Please send a message to friends so I can break 6k by 2010. Thanks! #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said and did (or didn’t say and do) in 2009. #
• Crappy New Year to: overbearing neighborhood associations. You’re all creepy as shit. I hope your houses burn then flood. #
• Crappy New Year to: any cop that hands out tickets for a living. I hope your family is victimized while you’re clocking speeders. #
• Crappy New Year to: partisan zealots. Our 2-party system is the problem. Disband all political parties and force people to think. #
• Crappy New Year to: insurance companies. Suck it. What a scam you’re running.. I hope our entire fake economy crashes. #
• Crappy New Year to: the ass-clowns ruining WRVU-FM. Vanderbilt has some really cool people.. but there are also Total Dicks. #
• Crappy New Year to: people offended by the word “retarded” – mentally handicapped people aren’t.. and YOU are silly. #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said in the last thirty seconds. #
• Crappy New Year to: career politicians. You should all make minimum wage, live in public housing & rely upon welfare. #
• Crappy New Year to: Wall Street. Anything that can fluctuate in “value” by major percentages a minute HAS to be worthless. #
• Crappy New Year to: anything “too big to fail” – those are exactly the things that should fail. You’re all wrong and retarded. #
• Crappy New Year to: anyone who gave up on the dream. The difference between success and failure is your choices. #
• My 6-year-old daughter just asked me to play Spin The Bottle with her. I have failed as a parent. #
• OH. Her version of Spin The Bottle is you do an impression of whoever the bottle points to. Her impression of me is funny, not flattering. #
• When Callia says “I’m starving to DEATH!” she means, “I could eat about four chicken nuggets.” #
• Crappy New Year to: jackasses who drive past my house doing twice the speed limit, revving their minivan engines to their pathetic limits. #
• Crappy New Year to: dipshits dropping bass beats (as if it’s still 1992) while creeping past my house at 2 mph at 3 a.m. — die in a fire. #
• “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” – just wrote up ‘the rest of the story’ on http://ping.fm/sfVuD #
• Probably more lifelike than he is in person. // RT @michaelianblack The CGI Carson Daly looks amazing!!! in reply to michaelianblack #
• Finally defeated New SMB Wii. I think this means I’ll be a drunken nerd “achiever” who over-eats but doesn’t sleep in 2010. Awesome? #
• @ sams, boozin it up with my lovely wifera. Come on out errbody, drinks are on you! #

• Watching David Letterman try to knock his Christmas tree down with a motorized cupcake http://bit.ly/8ta0ur @Late_Show #
• You missed it! Next one is 1/22 // RT @daynise @ChadRiden See you at the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS COMEDY SHOW” http://tinyurl.com/nofriends-1-2010 #
• I almost said to my 6-year-old: “Come on, you’re acting like a little kid!” *almost*. #
• Last night, Callia said, “Daddy, it’s HARD taking care of a child.” “How do you know?” “*I’m* a child. I can tell.” #
• Finished off the keg of Longshot ‘96 Hazelnut Brown Ale. Impatiently waiting on my Old Rasputin Imperial Stout clone to finish fermenting. #
• Merry Christmas! Happy Jew-time! Kooky Kwanzaa! Funky Festivus! ..or whatever the hell it is you celebrate, enjoy it. #
• setting up the Santa snare. I think this is the year we finally snag that sum-bitch. #

• Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
• RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
• “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
• RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
• Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
• IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
• Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
• In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
• Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
• Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
• Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
• RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
• Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
• Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
• actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
• Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
• ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
• judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
• the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
• Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
• Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
• I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
• I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

• Drinking coffee, listening to the jack Kerouac collection, driving home after two weeks on the road.. Wishing harm to minivan drivers. #
• Ha! RT @sbellelauren getting a facebook account named “jesus christ” to tell people to stop posting about god & just diddle themselves more. #
• Like Sarah Palin, I’m reloading. Except I’m “reloading” with homebrew beer and hate. #
• This is the second day in a row Callia has come home from school early because she’s “sick.” My frustration levels are off the MFing charts. #
• @bdonahueweedman she has a bad cough, reportedly from allergies, but isn’t SICK-sick.. but we think she’s figured out how to get sent home. #

• Doing 20-ish minutes 7:30 tonight @ Zanies “best of Nashville” show. Might do the Crazy Monkey Dance.   #
• RT @bdonahueweedman @ChadRiden I know I can’t shut up about it, but u could be the comedy version of Anvil. in reply to bdonahueweedman #
• RT @nsup tonight! Billy Wayne Davis & the comedy robots!? 7:30pm @ZaniesNashville – video & info here: http://bit.ly/gDixA #
• RT @zaniesnashville 4 FREE tix to Billy Wayne Davis & The Comic Bots 10/14-call 615-269-0221 & say facebook for yours! http://bit.ly/1A0QKL #
• RT @nsup Billy Wayne Davis, @ChadRiden, Mark @Anundson – NO ROBOTS! 7:30pm @ZaniesNashville – FREE tickets: 615-269-0221 & say Facebook #
• Fun times at @ZaniesNashville 2nite, as always. Thanks to B-dub, @Anundson, @JoelWilson17 for video support & all the Rastas who showed up! #
• I just threw a handful of Liberty hops into a boiling kettle of E.J. Phair’s Rye Beer. LIBERTY! Suck on that, Osama! #
• 395 Twitter followers! That #CHADRIDEN1K train can.. not.. be.. stopped. BUT it can be delayed. Sorry for the wait, everybody. #
• RIP Captain Lou Albano! I now put a rubber band in my beard in your honor, sir. http://adjix.com/mcse #
• Seen in a bathroom last night: “For a good time, call SouthStreet comedy club in Jackson, TN this weekend.” http://ping.fm/aMDah #
• Anytime you plan on staring at the sun for a while, it’s just smart to take a few precautions: http://adjix.com/vskj #
• in the yard, trying to convince Callia to just get in the damn balloon. #

Anytime you plan on staring at the sun for a while, it’s just smart to take a few precautions.

always wear protection

Callia and I made this recipe up from scratch last night. It sounds crazy, but they’re pretty tasty.

CALLIA’S COOKIES

1 cup butter
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
2 eggs
2 1/4 cup flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup oatmeal
12 oz. chocolate chips
1 cup chopped peanuts
1/2 tsp. salt
1 banana
5-6 strawberries
1/2 peach

1. Cream butter, sugar, vanilla, chocolate chips
2. Add eggs, beat well.
3. Add flour, baking soda, salt, oatmeal. Mix.
4. Add mashed fruit. Mix.
5. Stir in nuts, additional chocolate chips optional
6. Plop on greased pan
7. Bake 10 min. @ 375.