• Several houses have opened the door to say “we have no candy.” Go to the store! Today’s the day you need candy. #
• RT @DougStanhope The cost of being honest about the obvious…http://bit.ly/2s0zkt #
• I never book shows on Halloween. What, like I’m going to let my 6-year-old daughter dress up like “Sexy Satan” and NOT be there?! #
• Happy Dia de los Muertos, errbody! (That’s “Day of the Dead”, Gringo.) #
• Oprah:”tip 10%”, ensures shitty service 4 self at every restaurant forever: http://bit.ly/3MB9Rd #serversVSoprah #
• Even if the “tip 10%” thing is a hoax.. can I still have insane, irrational hatred for Oprah for no reason? #
• Oprah used the head of a midget as a cup holder.. all for charity. (via Random Celebrity Rumor Generator) http://tinyurl.com/CelebRumor #
• Oprah ran a meth lab with Mister Rogers before a throng of adoring fans.(via Random Celebrity Rumor Generator) http://tinyurl.com/CelebRumor #
• Oprah snorted coke off the ass of a librarian and sold plans 2 Al Qaeda (via Random Celebrity Rumor Generator) http://tinyurl.com/CelebRumor #
• Oprah called Britain ‘Gayland’ because the Bible says to. (via Random Celebrity Rumor Generator) http://tinyurl.com/CelebRumor #
• Hey, I’m coming to GA wed-sun & i’m bringing a mouth full of funny with me. Hope to see you around town. http://tinyurl.com/yfm7k8b #
• Just got a Facebook request to be some chick’s “barn buddy” – I don’t know what this means, but it sounds like my wife wouldn’t like it. #
• Atlanta, GA! @ Laughing Skull Lounge at The Vortex Bar & Grill tonight, 8pm – FREE poisoned candy! plus my comedy http://tinyurl.com/yfm7k8b #
• Laughing Skull Lounge was awesometastic. Now to the Buford Variety Theater.. #
• The Long Island Lolita Amy Fisher is at the Pink Pony in ATL thurs #
• ..and fri night. Screw MY shows, this’ll be hilarious. #
• lou ferrigno (“the incredible hulk”) was Michael Jacksons personal trainer. That’s not a joke (yet). #
• 9pm Tonight-Comedy Gold @ The Landmark Diner – Buckhead; 3652 Roswell Rd NW; Atlanta, GA 30305 404-816-9090 http://adjix.com/mutq #
• Just walked into a nice, quiet coffee house.. spilled hot coffee all over my hand, and yelled “SHIT!” Hey Macon GA, Wacky McJackass is here! #
• @Gabe138 I thought it was the one in 5points, but nope. Downtownish. It would help if Atlanta had 1 or 2 street names OTHER than Peachtree. in reply to Gabe138 #

The following is the front page story for The Daily Post-Athenian this weekend. This is just mind-blowing. FRONT PAGE NEWS IN ATHENS, TENNESSEE! Enjoy:

Friday, October 30, 2009
CLAXTON – You haven’t seen eerie or spooky until you’ve seen a 16-year-old jack-o’-lantern. Or, rather, the dried husk of a jack-o’-lantern with five faces carved in its surface.

Perry Riden said of the three “Riden Boys,” youngest son Eric was the pumpkin carver.

“Eric carved it when he was in eighth grade in 1993,” Riden said. “His Grandma Riden – whom they called Mammy – set it on cardboard over a floor register and dried it.”

Riden said her son got the idea to carve five faces in a large pumpkin from a character in “Transformers.” The design was patterned after the Quintessons, fictional aliens/space monsters that were both organic and robotic.

“If I understand it correctly, the Quintessons were creators of the Transformers in the 1980s cartoons,” Riden said. “This race of beings had squid-like arms and five faces on a robotic head.”

Riden has kept the dried pumpkin – complete with stem “cap” – for 16 years.

This is hilarious to me. Front page news! “Look! It’s an old pumpkin!”

The explanation of who the Quintessons are and what their role was in the original Transformers cartoons is all straight from me. I Twittered about being on the phone with my mom, explaining that to her. I spent 20 minutes giving her all of the glorious back-story details I have had crammed away in my brain since, what, 1985? That stuff is important! Everything else, forgotten. I took three Calculus classes in college. THREE! (Well, let’s be honest. I took the same Calculus class three times before I passed it. Still..) I remember NOTHING. I DO know the origin story of the Transformers inside and out. So suck on that, complete lack of marketable skills!

They referred to Grace Riden as “Mammy” – we started calling my dad’s parents “Mammy and Pappy” because they lived in Maryville, TN (read: “Muurrrrrrrrrviilllle” – not kidding, that’s how you say it) and those were the most country sounding names we could think up. They thought it was funny, too, and totally went along with it. I love how it makes us sound even more country bumpkin now. “Funky punkin’ bumpkin!”

Also, the ambiguous “Riden has kept the dried pumpkin.. for 16 years.” sounds like this is a wacky family keepsake my mom has held on to. She is a packrat, and it has to stop.. but I should clarify.. Eric Riden has kept the dried pumpkin for 16 years. Granted, it’s been sitting in his old bedroom back at the Riden Hascienda where he has not lived in the last 10 years.. but yeah it’s there. And it’s not the strangest thing there, by a long shot.. so send a photog and a reporter, news hounds, ’cause the story is much deeper than a dried gourd.

The paper, inexplicably, posted a 53-second video of the thing being rotated again and again.

Some people ask, “Hey Chad, what was high school like for you?” Imagine being in a town where the most exciting news for the weekend is a dried out pumpkin. This morning, there were a dozen elderly people sitting in a Hardees in Athens, TN drinking coffee and talking about the Quintessons.

• Good point! I’ll write a show for my new character “Wacky McHacky” // RT @Kerry_White You need puppets and/or other comics’ material. Both? #
• Just realized the comedy world and I have an abusive relationship. I imagine Lady Comedy crying to the cops, “but I loooovvvve himmm!” #
• How in the world did MC Hammer go broke? Oh yeah.. http://bit.ly/zyEQ3 #
• I don’t have a problem w/ Dunham I just hate his show // RT @Gabe138 no problems with Jeff Dunham, but Mencia’s and unfunny joke thief. #
• I think the real swine flu National Emergency is that we HAVE a vaccine for it, but people are scared to get it. (?!?) #
• Incredibly stupid, gullible, crappy parents outraged that “Baby Einstein” videos are not even slightly educational: http://adjix.com/n2i5 #
• WHAT!? You’re telling me actual interaction with a child is better than plopping them down in front of a completely retarded video? Get out. #
• another newsflash: When you talk baby talk to your child, you’re teaching them to talk like a baby. That’s why your 6 yr old sounds 3. #
• I’m so hateful. “Hey parents! Your kids are stupid because you’re stupid. (sfx: fart)” #
• Also, the soul patch is DONE. // RT @JoeNarvaez When are dudes with goatees going to realize they are stuck in the mid 90s? #
• @JDFelip Man says, “You have to book my familys act. It’s incredible! We rape the audience!” “What do you call yourselves?” The Aristocrats! #
• @lgu I’ve tried to bake a decent loaf of bread many, many times using many, many recipes & end up with nothing but bricks. WTF am I missing? #
• A booker asked how clean I can be. I told him my range goes from “my 92 year old Lutheran grandma from ND is in the front row” to.. #
• .. “the still-sticky stripper pole is the cleanest thing on the stage.” Will I get booked? Guess again. #
• Now that I think of it I’m not exactly sure how old grandma actually is, so that may not be completely true. #
• Grandma & my mom curse, but they do it like this: horse-feathers! fish sticks! for Pete’s sake! I tell ‘em God knows what they really mean. #
• Whenever poker comes on tv I think “OH SHIT, did I just watch Carson Daly?!” #
• I saw a website that sells chocolate covered bacon. Sorry boys, no sales from me. I think I’ve figured out the secret recipe: choc. + bacon? #
• bake or fry your bacon. melt chocolate chips. run bacon thru the choc., chill it in the fridge for a few. could be the greatest thing ever. #
• WTF, everybody? C’mon now.. #
• If there’s any one thing idiotic loudmouth dildos love, it’s other idiotic loudmouth dildos. #
• I got to see Kevin Nealon wed, Lewis Black last night, the Music City Bar & Grill show tonight, Satan Day tomorrow.. it’s been a fun week. #

Aunt Jessie and Laura’s mom, Sara, came to the house last Saturday to hang out with Callia and be pampered by Laura (who, by the way, is in business for herself doing day-spas and selling BeautiControl stuff in addition to being a Mommy, the best wife ever, going to school for Nursing, and still slaving away at Vanderbilt part time. Go to Laura’s website and buy three of everything, just to tell her you care. Or don’t, you heartless bastard!).

Last Sunday, we all went to see the Donegans.. they had lunch and had a photographer there to take pictures for Paw’s birthday (or was it for blackmail later? I’m not sure.. the guy was kinda shifty eyed). Great food, as always.. Daddy and Callia ate so much, we ended up taking a nap.

Friday, we celebrated Halloween with The Humans. Wes & Katheryn bought Callia her first costume: a Snuggly Pumpkin. I don’t know what the costume was actually called, but take it from me: she was a Snuggly Pumpkin. We went up and down the block quickly snagging some candy for Mommy and Daddy while Wes handed out candy to kids at our house. Then, we all grabbed our beers.. climbed up onto the roof and started sniping the kids with bb guns. Oh, the fun we have!