Here’s my annual Holiday Times posting of the clip of me starring as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Enjoy:

It’s the moosssst nauseating tiiiime of the year. Well, almost.. Valentines Day is hard to beat. The December Holidays are second in the race for most depressing season only because there isn’t heart-shaped crap in your face everywhere you go. Instead, it’s the cliched Christmas garbage that has been crammed down our throats so many times that we’re fooled into thinking it’s tradition.

This continued complete bastardization of the true meaning of the season has permeated every aspect of our daily lives. Everywhere you go.. what do you see? It’s out there in the malls.. it’s all over radio, television and the internet. It’s even inked all over that pathetic, old-world, dead medium, print.

Will we ever be able to escape from it all and get back to the basics? Or have they permanently altered our concept of what the meaning of this season is? What values and customs will our children pass on to theirs? I wonder if the old ways I know and love will be forgotten. Will the ways of my ancestors eventually wither and die from lack of interest like the wonderful Police Academy franchise? I’d like to bring Christmas back to what I refer to as the “Police Academy 1 -- 4″ era.. the glory years.. the way it should be. As it stands, our holidays are stuck somewhere in the “Police Academy television series” era.. a total disgrace.

More than anything else, the one thing that really burns me is the way the religious zealots keep trying to sneak God, Jesus and The Bible into this once-sacred celebration. Always pushing their wacky ideas on everybody.. trying to make religion the focus instead of the one thing that we hold near and dear as holy: commercialism.

It just makes me sick to think that consumer spending is down so low this quarter. How can you call yourself an American if you’re not out there buying big ticket items like the Nintendo Wii? Don’t you care about the economy? Don’t you care about your kids? The only way to let your friends and family know that you love them is to buy them something impersonal and expensive. Roses and X-Boxes are good, but diamonds and SUV’s are better.

When will we all wake up and realize that self-reflection, worship and spending time with loved ones wastes precious time when we could be watching Coca-Cola polar bear commercials? While Satans little helper, Martha Stewart, pushes her wreaths and wassail, true traditionalists like myself know that nothing says “peace on earth” quite like over-extending your credit to buy the latest disposable-fad products at your local Wal-Mart.

Maybe I’m being too critical. It’s just that when I hear all this junk about the so-called “true meaning of the season” it really burns my brownies. I’m just thankful that when I get depressed about the way the world is heading, I can go into any Quickie-Stop-N-Shop and see Santa endorsing cartons of Lucky Strikes. That always cheers me up.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kooky Kwanza, Funky Festivus, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate. I’ll help spread a little holiday cheer.. here’s a classic clip of my cameo appearance as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Clip courtesy of WBXX-TV.

httpv://www.youtube.com/v/YX075Zm_ahs&hl=en&fs=1

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite times of the year. The trees are beautiful, the grass has stopped growing, football season really heats up, people gather to eat enormous meals, and we’re just few weeks away from Christmas and New Years.

The only downside to this time of year I can think of off hand is the leaves all over the yard. I’m not a stickler about raking them up as soon as they fall – I love walking thru the piles, kicking them around for a while. Even when it’s time to do some yard work, I don’t mind raking them.. that’s part of the fun. What burns me is that when you’re shuffling thru leaves, your chances of unknowingly slopping thru a pile of dog crap goes up 80%.

Weather we want to or not, it’s almost inevitable that we start thinking about what we are thankful for. Why? Because every half-wit asks you, “what are you thankful for?” Plus, people desperate for column ideas write about what they’re thankful for, forcing you to be somewhat introspective. Either you begin reflecting upon the past year and your entire life.. or you take one look and clickity-click-clicking your way over to some wholesome, seasonal, hard-core porn.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m writing and performing comedy, and am lucky enough to be able to spend most of my evenings hanging out and enjoying other comedians among friends. I have a great job, a wonderful family, the pimpin’est dog, and good health. Nobody’s trying to kill me (that I know of), I don’t have some weird festering, dripping rash, I haven’t knocked anybody up, and there’s no silly drama in my life.

Things are going pretty good for me, but that’s not all I’m happy about. I’m thankful for what’s going on in the world around me. I’ve got plenty of things to make fun of… Michael Jackson is back, Britney Spears has a new album, and the Cute Boy Band craze continues. Benefit concerts abound, the Emmy Award Show was postponed until nobody on the planet cared anymore, Temptation Island 2 is on tv, and Jennifer Lopez is shooting another movie.

Even politics are conducive to comedy. We’re bombing the hell outta Afghanistan, so it’s ok again to make fun of people who wear turbans and ride camels. There’s so much unfocused patriotism floating around that you can randomly start chants of “USA! USA! USA!” no matter where you are and you’re instantly a hero. Strap a $10 US flag to your $40,000 foreign vehicle, and you’re a rolling monument of American pride!

Yes, the world is falling apart at the seams.. and that’s just fine with me.

We all know, the only thing worse than being completely alone on Valentine’s Day is being stuck in a horribly suffocating relationship that has drained you of your very will to live.

Valentine’s Day is yet another one of those stupid “holidays” completely fabricated by the retail industry (in this case, florists whose prices increase exponentially the week of February 14th) for which we sure as hell don’t get time off from work. However, we are expected to have something special planned for our significant others.

For women, this means…. well, honestly (as in most cases) all you have to do is show up. For men, it’s a time of stress and pressure equal to none. There are three basic routes a man can take on Valentine’s Day:

1) Fabricate a “break-up scenario”
Start an argument that is sure to end in a break-up. If your relationship is like 90% of the rest of ‘em, you’ll both do something naughty to get back at each other and be back together within 3-4 days. If you time this right, you can avoid V-day altogether.

2) Standard Valentine’s Crap
You cop out and buy some combination of flowers, candy, lingerie, and sex-toys. You take her to dinner (or cook one yourself) and hope to God that she is as unimaginative as you are and didn’t expect anything special.

3) Romantic Ingenuity
The phantom ‘holy grail’ of relationships: you actually care about your partner. Not only that, you want to do something totally unexpected and exciting because of your love. (This doesn’t mean doing something you read in Maxim. I know you think you have new, special moves up your sleeve now that you’ve read their latest ‘tried and true tricks’ article, but so does every other guy – and girl – that read that.)

I know, I know.. most people don’t believe this kind of love exists. I personally can’t vouch for it, as most of my relationships seem to involve some sort of cash transaction for every 15-minutes I spend with my loved ones. But I believe.. somewhere, somehow there is someone out there perfect for me. The lyrics of several Led Zeppelin songs told me so.

If you want to really impress the object of your affection, there is one sure-fire way to do it: home-made crap. Whatever it is you’re giving her don’t buy it in a store, make it yourself. I know it seems stupid and way too simple.. but it shows creativity and imagination… and it’s cheaper.

I’ll help get you started. Here, my friend, are several home-made Valentine’s Day cards that the MangyK9 himself and I put together just for you. Click each thumbnail to open a pop-up window to view the card. Inside the card there is also a link to open a page suitable for printing. Once you’ve printed it out, fold it in half, then in half again. Give it to your special someone, and watch the sparks fly!