• According to Twitter I’m supposed to be watching the #goldenglobes? The thought never occured to me. #
• too cruel? RT @comedynews: Jay Leno is a joke robot on auto-pilot with zero self-awareness | Las Vegas Sun http://tinyurl.com/yb5fqh3 #
• Jay Leno did NOT seem like a “nice guy.” Am I the only person who was paying attention 1992-3? Also, his show has ALWAYS been terrible. YES. #
• http://twitpic.com/yre75 – Jay Leno is the cicada of ruining late night tv. #
• Return of the Jedi? // RT @shanagallery http://twitpic.com/yuh0p -Newish painting, 16″ x 16″. untitled at the moment but taking suggestions. #


The result of my alien encounter.

• Callia was late to school. Signing her in, I had to write down the reason so I wrote, “ALIENS!” Not even a smile from them! C’mon.. #
• I’ll be hanging around NYC mid-March. I can’t wait to get back to the city that never lets me sleep! http://ping.fm/InecY #
• masturbating bear! #TEAMCONAN #
• I’m With Dipshit! #TeamDipshit http://ping.fm/S3KOL #
• The All-White Basketball League?! Good luck with that, Crackas. http://ping.fm/beYHc #
• I know tonight is kinda Conan’s night, but can we get #TeamDipshit to trend? No? Fair enough. http://ping.fm/S3KOL #
• tonight I’m hosting the “I HAVE NO FRIENDS” stand-up comedy contest at Music City Bar & Grill in Nashville: http://adjix.com/saks @nsup #
• So what happens when Jay Leno’s “new” Tonight Show fails? Who takes over the show when he leaves? ..are we closer to Bill Hicks’ prediction? #

• I just want to say, from the bottom of my heart, with the utmost sincerity.. SUCK IT, LENO! He’s like the cicada of ruining late night tv. #
• if nobody EVER talked to me about sports again, it’d still be too damn soon. How ’bout them Idle Conversations, huh? HELLUVA SEASON. #
• Kudos to Conan for standing up for himself, AND considering what is “fair to Jimmy Fallon”. If only Leno thought of anyone but himself.. #



• TEAM CONAN! #teamconan (even though I watch Dave Letterman live every night possible & catch conan later) #
• Fantastic I’m with COCO image // RT @carynloveless: http://www.sirmikeofmitchell.com/imwithcoco/ #
• just did an interview for the fine people at CandidCareer.com – I hope I wasn’t too candid about my “career” telling wacky poop jokes. #
• Today, I gotta be honest: I’m not feelin’ you. I hope you get your shit together and shape up into an awesome Tonight, otherwise we’re thru. #
• Dick Ebersol has the balls to talk shiz about Conan O’Brien? Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t he the twat that ruined SNL from 1980-85? #
• just above my bedroom in the wall somewhere.. my house makes a noise like a hammer tapping a 2×4.. every 5 seconds or so off and on all day. #
• people say the noise is air in the hot water pipes, pipes about to burst, and/or Recurrent Spontaneous PsychoKinesis (gh-gh-gh-ghosts!) #
• I’m not sure which is worse: farty plumbing? slowly exploding house? or a mildly annoying poltergeist? #
• maybe I can get @JoeSouthards to bring his ghostbusters tricorder over and scan the house thetan level (or whatever). #

• Awesome. RT: @alyankovic http://twitpic.com/mdmh7 – My wife and I do everything together. #
• has a $600+ speeding ticket from Turner County, GA. No f#@&ing way that’s getting paid. WTF am I supposed to do? Not pay the mortgage? #
• [ChadRiden.com] Never made this: “Pull My Finger” http://adjix.com/w4pj #
• I’ll be stomping thru GA like Sherman the first week of November, doing a run of random shows. Please tell friends: http://adjix.com/kru5 #
• is too legit to quit #
• My mom just called and asked me about Quintessons. I wish I’d recorded the conversation. http://ping.fm/6ZDxx #
• scheduling myself for a 5pm bourbonoscopy. (via @lgu) #
• Ha ha! RT @birbigs “Jeff Dunham breaks ComedyCentral ratings records” http://bit.ly/4hSowj in other news, comedy is reportedly broken. #
• Not me, man. F-that show. RT @jdsteinhauser @ChadRiden I saw that shit! I want to see the show now just to see how bad it is. #
• Jeff Dunham show is dumb, racist, homophobic, ignorant & lowest common denominator.. of course it’s a huge mf’in success. #idiocracy #
• Naturally, if he called me tomorrow with a paycheck, i’d be happy to cash it.. & he’d instantly be a legendary, visionary genius. #
• I feel like I’m piling on to someone who was tackled a long time ago by badmouthing the Jeff Dunham Show. I don’t like badmouthing comics. #
• I’ve met Dunham a few times and he couldn’t be a nicer guy, but Jesus Herbert Christmas The Third I can’t stand to watch that show. #
• It’s like when Carlos Mencia had a show. My non-comic friends all LOVED it. I wanted to rip my brain out of my skull and set it on fire. #
• Joke I used to do: “I saw a promo on Comedy Central that said, ‘What’s inside the Mind of Mencia?’ Uh, I don’t know.. other people’s jokes?” #
• Again, I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon by crapping on Carlos Mencia. It’s been done.. by comics way better at it than me. #
• Of course, I’ve been saying Jay Leno’s show sucked infected donkey ass for 19 years now. Everybody else just now seem to have realized that? #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 398! Slow down, everybody.. we don’t want to blow Twitter up. #

• @ chuck e cheese. Tim Wilson's song is funnier when you're NOT here. #
• New website! Stuff coming soon! Or not! Who knows. http://ping.fm/CXEup #
• Doug Stanhope indirectly kept me out of jail and Bonnaroo traffic http://ping.fm/ms0×7 #
• at least I'll be easier to avoid.. RT @wrongforum @ChadRiden Liking the new design. It'll be great to have all your info in one place again! #
• Thanks and stuff! How's my sweet home, Chicago? RT @BenBergman @ChadRiden Enjoyed blog from your website. #
• My life is like a weird combination of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "The Dukes Of Hazzard" starring Robert Englund's goofy clone. #
• Jay Leno IS dvr-proof! He isn't on my TiVo and won't be any time soon. #
• RT @thecomicscomic Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except when it's plagiarism. Or joke theft. if you RT this I'd be flattered. #
• coffee in hand, fresh keg of beer in the kegerator, Police Academy 2 on Comedy Central. life could not possibly be better. #

Bad Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Show #1693
by Chad Riden

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Ethan Hawke; Judith Miller; and Quincy Jones.
PLUS: Dave’s Catalogs, and other stuff.

Have you ever had such a string of good fortune that you KNEW it was just a matter of time before the great yin-yang pendulum of luck swings the other way to slice and dice your life into neat finger-food-sized cubes? Well, sit back and enjoy your favorite lovely beverage as I recount the living hell which has been my Late Show viewing experience this evening.

The day started off looking good. Tuesday nights I perform my lame ass comedy at Zanies here in Nashville at 8 p.m. and then travel in a comedy caravan to The Cantina where we generally have a dozen or so local comedians perform at the open mic there. No cover, and 2-for-1 beers if you’re ever in town.

Those who give me money in exchange for my time during the day know this and allow me to come in “whenever” on Wednesdays. They know I’ll be out all night and are very nice to accommodate me. So I saunter in exactly at whenever on-the-dot and put in my time. Afterwards I went over to The Cantina for the daily Hungry Hour special – pasta and 2-for-1 beers. $5 for two beers and dinner, including tip. Not a bad day at all, so far..

I swing by the house and play with my little canine buddy, Guido, for a while. Then I trek over to Zanies to see Henry Cho perform for (without a doubt) the dumbest audience I’ve ever seen. It was an *amazingly* dim crowd.. they surprised me again and again with their stupidity and rude, jackass behavior.

I, being the responsible Guest Late Show Impressions Substitute Guy that I am, had set the vcr to tape Dave just in case I didn’t get home in time to do it myself. So when I got home and flipped the tv on at 10:45 (I’m in the Central Time Zone), I was horrified. Jay Leno was on my television.

Screaming bloody murder, I quickly flipped the er up a channel to Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader.” I had left the cable box on NBC after watching Ed. I had nobody to blame but myself, which made it all that much worse. So I missed the first 10 minutes of the Show. I tuned in just in time to hear Mr. Letterman say “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale!” so that’s where we’ll officially begin. What you’ve been reading so far was the preamble, or “ramble” as some of you are no-doubt thinking.

I enjoy steaks *and* roadkill, so “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale” sounds pretty good to me. “Morley Safer’s Secret” featured some great Photoshop work. At least I hope those were doctored photos.. regardless, a fine job from the graphics kids. Unsung heros, those graphic artists of the world. In regards to the L.L. Bean catalog I have to say: wilderness sex is sex the way God intended. Well, at least let me say wilderness sex was a freebie.. the rest is all human invention, I guess.

We go into the first break 12:59 into the show with a beautiful skyline bumper shot that seemed too pretty to be real. Here in Nashville, the fine folks at “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” are apparently training a new overnight Master Control Operator again. They allowed the national spots to play, and maybe slipped in a few of their own.. then they were in black for 20 seconds, came out to a commercial for 4 seconds, went to the CBS feed of Late Show (which had Ethan Hawke seated and speaking about “a complicated character… now most of these big stars like.. Tom Hanks…” we only got to see 9 seconds of that, then it was back to the commercial for the “Share a Pair and Save” promotion at Shoe Carnival. Then Rivergate Toyota’s Ultimate Jackass Used Car Sales Guy (“The Auto Giant”), who is a giant dork, gave us his pitch for 15 seconds.. then back to the Late Show still in progress. I, of course, was screaming at my tv.

Ethan explains his conflicted character. He didn’t seem to have much to say about his daughter. I like Uma stories.. I find her very appealing. Ever since Pulp Fiction, I’ve been irresistibly attracted to coke heads overdosing on heroin they snorted. Boy, does that get me going. That baseball clip was pretty cool. Ya know, when I’m working.. I don’t care how much money they’re paying me, I’m not running full speed into a wall so I can flip and catch a ball. It’s not happening. I may be a loyal employee.. I’m definitely a “team player”.. but if that happened while I’m on the job, somebody gets a base and a fan catches the ball.

Judith Miller seems nice.. oh wait, what’s that? My tape runs out and begins rewinding. I laugh, “of course the tape ran out. What’s next, raining frogs and rivers of blood?” Bring it on. I’m ready for whatever the gods choose to throw at me. At this point, who cares?

I slide a new tape into the machine and resume recording. Yes, let’s preserve this moment forever.

Judith turns out to be a good booking decision, in my opinion. A pleasant lady, knowledgeable, nice posture, and she was informative and interesting. We should be “concerned, vigilant, but not panicked.”

Wow, I really like that bumper shot of the World’s Fair thingie. It’s composed beautifully with the reflection on the water in the background, the fountains in the foreground, and some silhouetted trees in the lower left and right corners. The photographer used his “star” filter to get the X effect with the lights in the shot. Very nice.

The audience crane shot act always brings out the worst in people. 3/4 of the way back in the section right in front of the monologue area of the stage, on the aisle, is a man who (first of all) is wearing a US flag as a shirt. This, to me, screams “dork who is desperate to get on tv.” Along with the normal hands over the head frantic waving, he jumps up and down twice. Sit down, spanky. Go do that kinda crap behind your local newscasters’ live shots. The more serious the story the better.. they love that. Even the people in the balcony behave themselves.

Q. Why didn’t Dave introduce Quincy Jones simply as “Q”? It’s right there on the cover of his book and 4-cd boxed set. Apparently that’s what the guy likes to be known as. I understand that.. “Q” does sound cooler than “Quincy.” Ok, now’s the time when I show off just how little I know about real music:

CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC
Quincy does a little dance while his orchestra plays that cool song from “Austin Powers.” What I really want to know (besides the specifics about that piece of music) is what is that instrument that makes the cool noise when that one guy has his fist up it? And I don’t want to hear any crap about anyone’s honeymoon, either.
THIS WAS CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC

“Pants make the man.” What about a guy who happens to work at a pants sewing facility? Wouldn’t the man make the pants in that instance? Probably not. There’s a sewing sweatshop near my old high school in Athens, Tennessee.. I think it mainly employed women to work on the floor. Not many men want to say they sew for a living. All I remember about my visit to that plant is the stories about people not paying attention when operating the giant industrial sewing machines. Not good mental images, let me assure you. They didn’t exactly get us excited about possible employment opportunities there.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Mike axes: “We don’t need ‘National Boss Day.’ How about ‘Minimum Wage Day’?”
I wholeheartedly agree. Bosses be damned, let’s do something for the poor, hungry people struggling to make ends meet – living paycheck to paycheck. I’m doing well for myself right now and can’t complain.. but my first job in broadcast television was with WKXT-TV. In early to mid 1996, I was the new guy.. doing the dirty work for $5.25 an hour. My boss, Production Manager David Williams, came up to me one day and said, “Hey, congratulations!” “Huh?” “You get a raise today!” “Really! Wow, thanks!” I was excited.. I was just a poor student at UT, working 3 jobs and only able to afford Raman noodles and beer. Later during the newscast, the anchor reads that Congress has raised minimum wage by a quarter. Congratulations to you, Mr. Williams: you were the biggest dickhead I’ve ever worked for.
THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

The parts of the show that “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” chose to allow me to view tonight were good. It’s a shame that the MCO this evening didn’t care enough about the on-air product to actually run the board during the show. I’m just glad he got all his smoke breaks in… otherwise I never would have had the chance to see that same local commercial break that extra time. God bless you “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” and God bless The United States Of America!

The shame I have to live with is this: someday I’ll think to myself, “Hey there Chaddy, why don’t you throw in a tape of some Late Shows from the October 2001 era. That was a good time. Let’s check it out.” Then I’ll watch a few shows.. and as the Tuesday, October 16 show comes to a close I’ll think, “Hey, chin up. Another show will immediately follow this one!” And I’ll anticipate the hilarious comedy. Then I’ll be horrified by the Tonight show open. That’s the worst part about all this: my Letterman Library has been infected with an unholy presence, and it will haunt me for years to come. Cruel fate.

An evil plight has befallen my humble abode. It’s nothing biblical like locusts or lepers or the living dead… If I could trade my afliction with any other I’d gladly welcome frogs falling from the sky, or rivers of blood, or even videotapes of Jay Leno’s “Tonight” Show (A pathetic bastardization of what was once a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment. This hideous freak has single-handedly reduced Johnny Carson’s throne to a smoldering shambles, and it saddens me to no end. Thank Megatheos there is a much better Show on at that exact same time.). But, I’ve gone off on a tangent already.

This pestilence in my home has an ungodly grip on me and permeates every aspect of my life. It has driven me to the brink of insanity – any attempt I make to thwart this invasion is met with contemptuous indifference from my resilient foe. I’ve been waging this battle for a long time. There have been many setbacks, and few victories.

Each morn as I wake, I am aware of the presence. As I go about my day, the situation haunts my thoughts. Throughout the eve and late into the night, I plot against my foe… working diligently with my eyes on the future.

Those of you who’ve been to my place recently probably have a guess as to what I’m talking about, but you’re wrong. I’m not whining about my roommate. True, another human infests my house and is an unholy annoyance and all that, but that’s not what I’m talking about. He’s a minor problem in comparison to the pure evil I speak of.

Yes, flea season is in full swing.

When you live in a house with multiple furry animals scurrying about, you’re never alone. You have cute little friends who love you unconditionally with every molecule of energy they possess. Unfortunately you also have ugly, tiny fiends who hate you… whose only goals are to annoy and expand (kind of like daytime talk show hosts, only without Rosie and Oprah’s incessant self-righteous rhetoric). Damn the fleas!

I’ve treated the yard so often that the poison-saturated soil can barely even plant life at this point. I use the topical medication on my pets and shampoo them with the deadliest concoctions commercially available. I powder my carpets with DeathDust5000. I vacuum and steam clean like an insane neat-freak on seven hits of Liquid Sunshine. I’ve got a light-trap thing so sticky that the fleas rip their little limbs off when they try to jump away. I bomb the house with room foggers often enough to kill off all human life. Yet they live.

I understand the food chain and the grand scheme of things in the animal kingdom.. but I challenge anybody to show me a purpose for these creatures. Anything that feeds on the blood of the living is unholy and must die.

I only wish I was a man of science. I would use my powers to completely remove all fleas from the earth, destroying all of their kind without mercy. If I could control the weather, I’d schedule monthly deep-freezes just to keep flies and fleas in check. When? When will science allow me to kill off an entire species in one fell swoop? I’m not asking for all that much. I just want to be able to lay down on my bed without having vermin bouncing on and off my legs. That’s all. What’s it take to get a little flea genocide going?