• Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
• RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
• “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
• RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
• Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
• IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
• Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
• In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
• Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
• Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
• Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
• RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
• Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
• Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
• actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
• Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
• ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
• judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
• the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
• Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
• Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
• I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
• I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

I went to New York again this past weekend for the second time in as many months. MaLady said her friends tell her I must have a mistress in The City. Well, I do.. and her name is Comedy. I spend the weekend taking in shows, meeting other comics, and performing a little my own self. Last time I went I said to myself, “I don’t ever want to leave!” Well, just be careful what you wish for.

Friday night I went to see the “Portable Comedy” show at the Gershwin Hotel on East 27th Street. Hosted by Julius Sharpe, the show featured standup from Chris DeLuca (Late, Late Show & SNL), Liam McEneaney (Conan, Premium Blend), and James Oakes (opens for Lewis Black) PLUS free hard liquor for anybody who wanted it. $5 at the door for hilarious funny ha-ha’s + a selection of booze = a night of fun. I love comedy.

To intro a bit, Julius asked if anybody had ever been laid-off from a job. My hand went up. “Oh yeah? Who was the employer?” “There have been several.” “Really? What’s the problem? Drugs?” “No, it turns out I’m not that employable.” “Ever thought about getting into comedy?” “I do comedy.”

After the show, the comedians gave out their fliers, I gave them mine in return. Everybody was really funny & seemed like good people. “Time Out New York” gave the show a star, and for good reason.. Where else can you go and pay five bucks for quality entertainment AND cheap booze? I mean BESIDES Jesse Perry’s mom’s house.

Saturday I spent a long time walking around the Lower East Side, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Financial District, SoHo and TriBecca. I checked out the new Apple store in SoHo, and stumbled upon some sort of street fair thing with food, vendors with arts and crafts, massages, and a guy from the “Change of Heart” show walking around trying to break up happy, superficial couples.

An oriental lady offered to massage me for one minute for free. I told her to go for it.. she did a great job, and then asked me if I wanted a 10-minute work-over. “No.” “What?! Just ten dollar!” “No, thanks.” She pulled me in close and whispered, “Ok, ok.. for you, five dollar.” “No, thanks.. I gotta go.” She seemed shocked that I would use her for her free minute and move on, but that’s just the kinda guy I am: offer me something free, and I’ll take it without guilt.

There were a lot of artists selling paintings and photographs. One woman in particular had signs up proclaiming, “SAVE NEW YORK STREET ARTISTS!” I couldn’t resist. Her hand-drawn propaganda said, “We saved the whales (didn’t we?).. now let’s save the NYC street artists!” She had legal pads where you could sign your name in of her cause. I laughed, “save the street artists? From what? Their own pretension?” Silly artists.

I really had no interest in seeing Ground Zero, but in my meanderings I ended up walking thru that area. If you haven’t been there, let me describe the scene..

Imagine a big car wreck. Some people find an alternate route to travel and go about their business.. some slow down to watch the carnage.. some people hear about it on the scanner, and go out to get in the way. The World Trade Center site is pretty much the same thing, but on a much larger scale. It’s a lot of people standing around looking.. plus you have the street vendor vultures selling 9/11 souvenirs. The fences covered with s and t-shirts and well-wishes are still there, but they have graffiti on them.

It was weird, ’cause last time I was down in that neighborhood was about five years ago. I had the crappiest hotel room I’ve ever spent way too much money on.. PLUS the radiator was cranked up all the way with the knob ripped off (in the middle of summer). I certainly couldn’t sleep, so I was wandering around Manhattan at about 3 a.m. It’s amazingly peaceful in certain parts of the city at that hour.. the Financial District was nearly silent and I remember walking around the WTC area and being stunned by the lack of activity. It’s a strange feeling to walk down there now, no matter what time of day it is.

I met up with some friends and took the train to Brooklyn to eat at Junior’s. This place is apparently the Mecca of cheesecake. When you walk in you pass by glass cases full of all of their varieties & realize that you can’t walk out of there without at least trying one. They have all the articles written about them framed on the walls, and when going to the bathroom I noticed one headline that said something like, “Brooklyn Is Fat Because of Junior’s.” I laughed, but when I went back to the table and looked around I realized that 90% of the people in there were REALLY obese.

Even though my sandwich was enormous I had to have a slice of cheesecake. It didn’t help that I had been pounding down drinks, either. I originally ordered a white russian, but saw my friend’s strawberry daiquiri and had to get one. For a while I was double-fisting the drinks.. when someone pointed that out, I made a funny by picking up my water as well and tried to drink from three glasses at once. (And no, I’m NOT tonguing the strawberry.. that’s just an unfortunate angle.)

I was so stuffed I felt ill. What better way to top that off than by going out drinking! I met up with some old friends from my UT-Knoxville days at a little country/western-themed bar called Doc Holidays. We drank PBR and stacked the cans up in towers until they fell on us. Occasionally, the bartender girl would jump up on the bar and start clogging. Living in Nashville, I can’t stand stupid little country bars.. but for some reason it was fun to see that kinda stuff going down in the heart of New York City. In SAT exam terms: country bars are to Nashville as rats are to New York City.

Sunday was a lazy day. I watched a freaky movie about a German transsexual rock star which began weird, then got more and more bizarre until it just kind of ended. In the evening, I headed down to the East Village to check out FaceBoyz’ open mic at Surf Reality. Sign up was at 7:45, the show started at 8. I got number 32 (there were about 40 people signed up.. maybe 70 people there in all). They did the first nine, took a 10 minute break, then continued the show.. I ended up going on stage at 2:15 a.m. or so. There were three or four people left after me, then they gave away the prizes: a gay porn video tape, a copy of “Modern Woman’s Guide To Domination,” and a new cellphone.

Monday I strolled thru Central Park and read a book in the spot where I once camped out for three days. Later I wandered down to the Ed Sullivan Theater to bother Letterman’s staff before taking a cab to the airport. Here’s where the story turns ugly.

Arriving at the airport early, I checked in at my gate at 6 p.m. The lady at the counter said my flight was on-time and scheduled to depart at 6:50, so I headed for the bar. The bar area was about 30 yards away from the gate. I had a couple beers and talked to a few people, then paid my tab and headed down toward the gate at about 6:30. I heard my name on the intercom and began to run. I got to the gate within 20 seconds of hearing my name, but the airplane was gone.

I asked the snotty girl behind the counter why the plane left 20 minutes early, and she said, “We PAGED you.” “Yeah, and I ran.. but it’s already gone!” A lady ran up to the counter and asked why the plane left so early. “We PAGED you,” said The Snot. As if that covers it. “Oh, you paged us? Ok. We’re not mad now. Cool.” Suck it, USair.

“Well, when’s the next flight out?” I ask. “Tomorrow morning at 7 a.m.” She said it with this look on her face like she was teaching me a lesson. I would have liked to roast her fat ass on a spit, but didn’t give her the pleasure of seeing me visibly pissed off. I had heard that wacky juggler Scot Nery was in New York, so I called him to see what he was doing. You know you’re in trouble when you call a guy who juggles knives for help.

Scot heroically came to my assistance. We took a cab to the nearest train stop in Queens, then took the train to the Upper West Side. Scot was staying at a youth hostel up around 104th Street and thought maybe he could sneak me in. First, we went over to the Underground Lounge to see if their open mic night was still going.. and watched a really drunk guy stumble all over the bar before challenging the bouncers to a fight. Seeing no opportunity for stage time, we headed back to the Hostel.

We asked the security guy about the cheapest ways to get to LaGuardia and with him distracted, snuck in. Each room in the place had six bunk beds.. that’s 12 dudes per room. Luckily, Scot’s room had an extra empty bed. I set my alarm for 5 a.m. and laid down to try to sleep a few hours. Scot says, “If someone comes and throws you out of their bed, well… I dunno.” I figured I’d just head back to the airport.

It didn’t happen, though. Not much of anything happened.. except it felt weird trying to sleep in a room with strange dudes all around (and in bunk beds, nonetheless). It took me about an hour or so before I passed out. It just seemed like this situation would probably be pretty close to the plot on that tape of gay porn they gave away at Surf Reality.

I got up and caught a bus back to Queens, via Harlem. It was my first time thru that neighborhood, and all I could think of was, “So this is where Willis and Arnold were from?” I also learned something about the New York Metro bus system: It costs $1.50 to ride, and they only accept MetroCards and change. If you don’t want to pay, just have $2 cash in your hand and offer it to the driver saying “it’s all I’ve got.” They don’t accept cash, and don’t have time to argue so they’ll just get disgusted and tell you to sit down on the bus.. you ride for free! I’ll bet it doesn’t work twice with the same driver, though.

It was a fun trip up until USair went out of their way to piss people off. I’ve tried very hard not to have any airline jokes, but I’m afraid I’ll fall to the Dark Side of the Farce very soon. It’s also unfair that every time I tell this story, when people hear “..so I went to the bar” they say, “uh-huh.. there ya go.” Booze isn’t the issue here! The plane left 20 minutes early and they were bastards about it.

As much as I love New York, when it’s time to go home and see MaLady.. it’s time to go home and see MaLady. I’ll be back, though.. my mistress calls.

I haven’t written a new column in a while.. I’ve been pretty busy volunteering down at the Senior Center, comforting crack babies and learning to tango. I’ve also been doing more and more standup (to everyone’s dismay) and shameless self-promotion. Take a look at some of my virtual whoring over on www.ChadRiden.com and www.NashvilleStandup.com.

Yes, the masses have been flocking to the sites and live shows like flies to roadkill. Who can blame them? Everybody loves the funny ha-ha’s. Even some big name funny people are taking notice.

On January 15, 2002 the Late Show with David Letterman’s website gave www.ChadMRiden.com a shout-out. “The Wahoo Gazette” is a daily backstage look at the inner workings of the Late Show (and the inner workings of production coordinator, Mike McIntee’s mind). It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing since the last greatest thing.

The next day, I was still riding that wave of love and free promotion.. I didn’t think I could top the previous day.. but wouldn’t ya know.. they followed up the mention of me with a nod to www.NashvilleStandup.com! Thanks go out to Mike and everybody else working hard to entertain America at the Late Show.

It was a wonderful surprise to get a Cameo Mention.. partially because I’ve never actually seen the show. There hasn’t been much of a chance for me to watch any television over the last ten years or so.. Life has been hard, and recreational time has been short. You see, all my talk about these “events” going on in Nashville is a load of crap. In reality, I have been living in the dumpsters on 53rd street in New York City since the summer of 1993.

It began innocently enough. I was a huge fan of the syndicated late night phenomenon, The Arsenio Hall Show. I was pretty deep into the dark world of Arsenio fandom.. I was one of his “dawgs,” if you will. However, I had just brushed the surface of what would soon become the driving force of my existance.

One fateful day in July of 1993 I requested a mission from my direct superiors in “The Dawg Pound” as a symbolic gesture of my ultimate dedication to The Cause: complete propogation of Arsenioism. I was to dedicate my remaining days to keeping a close watch on this David Letterman fellow. There was some sort of hooplah concerning the migration of said comedian from the employ of one evil global conglomerate to another morally deprived multi-national corporation. My duty would be to scour the streets in search of the closely guarded secret to Letterman’s power.

Logically, I began my quest by rooting thru the garbage of the Ed Sullivan Theater looking for comedy leftovers.. any scrap of discarded funny ha-ha’s would do. I was to report back to The Arseniosa with all I learned.

To cut a long story down to delicious bite-sized pieces, let me say that my ongoing mission continued as successfully as the great Arsenio Hall Show itself. To minimize the time squandered by commuting from Los Angeles to New York every day, I moved my residence to the Easternmost refuse recepticle proudly standing adjacent to the home of the Late Show.

I mostly found bits of sandwiches and memos from the office of Mike McIntee declaring his intentions to be more “MikeMacadocious..” but my mission wasn’t limited to scouring for such self-indulgent tidbits. Another major part of my calling was to sit near my new home and give Dave the middle finger every morning as he comes to work. This, to me, was the most rewarding part of the job.

It’s strange, because I’ve continued to conduct my research from my outpost in the dumpster even though I haven’t heard from the main office in a while. I’m guessing that Arsenio is doing so well that they’re not really worried about me. All I know is that my off-shore trust fund must be bursting with Arsenio-dollars by now.. but that’s not why I do this.. no, no.. I do it for the love of the craft.

P.S.: Today (February 1, 2002) is David Letterman’s 20th anniversary in late night television. Congratulations, Dave! Thanks for entertaining me for as long as I can remember.

Lame Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Show #1723

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Andy Garcia, Chris Matthews

PLUS: George Clarke’s Celebrity Interview, Holiday Hairpiece Not A Hairpiece, a Kaulter Twins piece from Entertainment Tonight, and other stuff.

“And now, Pashtun Tribal Leader, David Letterman!”

It’s funny, ’cause it’s TRUE! No, no, no. The actual Pashtun Tribal Leader is the soft-spoken Hamid Karzai, who was named interim Prime Minister by the U.N.-sponsored gathering of Afghan factions in Bonn, Germany. Hamid’s headquarters is a huddle of mud huts in the southern Afghan desert in Shahwalikot. Or at least that’s what that rag, TIME, says.

The monologue dripped with delicious comedy goodness:

- Guy in front of the Ed / middle finger / gave / bottle of cologne.
- NYC kids / pay attention to their faces / might have to pick them out of a lineup.
- Christmas gift for paperboy / put it in an envelope / drove by / threw it into a puddle.
- News from Afghanistan / Osama can’t communicate with his agents / I’ve had same problem / 20 years.
- Osama / facelift / doing pre-Oscar show with daughter Melissa bin Laden.
- Osama / improved look / so attractive / last night he went out and got “bin Laden.”

The middle finger guy is always fun. NYC kids’ faces is a funny rerun, too. I liked the Osama jokes as well. A short, sweet set.

Paul fanfare

Guest list

Oprah update: It’s “just a matter of time” according to People. If you ask me (and I know you haven’t), it’s just a matter of time until Oprah gets so full of herself she explodes. I just hope she’s outside of Chicago when it happens. I’d hate to see my sweet home splattered with Oprah-goo.

Oceans 11 has “fantastic star power.” The phrase “fantastic star power” reminds me of when the Star Trek kids took the Enterprise around the sun and went back in time. Sometimes I wish I could do that and go back to a time when the Star Trek franchise didn’t suck.

George Clarke has a celebrity interview with George Clooney. “George are you rubbing your foot against my leg?” “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself” “Stop it.” Dave says, “he’s just that good looking.” Is he talking about George? or was it George?

Holiday Hairpiece, Not A Hairpiece. Hi-ho babes in santa-babe suits.. what more do you need to know?

The Late Show Newsletter : Week of November 12, 2001 said, “Late Show supermodel Andrea Sande… is soon leaving New York City to join the cast of a soap opera produced in Brazil.” When is she leaving? I really don’t want her to go. I’ve been looking into ways to get Brazilian soap operas here in Nashville. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there are any LSwDL staffers reading this, please tell Andrea I love her.

Dave feels bad about this guy, and guesses ‘not a hairpiece.’ I laughed at the obvious rug as soon as he was on camera. It still looked better than my hair at its best, though.

We went into the break 11:17 into the big show.

ACT 2

Felicia is using a slide thingie.. sounds good. I just got my first guitar a few weeks ago. I’m still learning my first song right now: “Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic. I don’t quite have it yet, but I’m getting closer.

Rupert says “the hair was going against the grain.” Will Rupert be with us all night? What does he do when he’s not? “I go home.” That’s funny, I’d expect Rupert to get wild on the town before retiring for the night. A decadent romp thru the streets of the city that never sleeps! Questionable activities while consorting with shady people in filthy places.. finally crashing out early in the morning in Central Park. Doesn’t everybody do that? or is it just me?

Dave brings up “Alan & Rick, the Kaulter Twins.” Hairpiece? Alan should have shot back something about Dave’s prison cut. What a great piece this was. The duo split in 1977.. “songs in the key of kaulter” was one of their albums.. Tonight Show clips! The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson! How cool. Reminds me of the times back when Tonight was still a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment, not the pathetic smoldering shambles of a show it has become.

Mark Fichman (former manager) says, “about those gold records: did you look at them? they’re pancakes!” Ha! Alan (or is it Rick?) was interrupted while singing “Where is the love?” by Rick (or was it Alan?) screaming, “are you trying to miss every G-D note? Go to hell you red-headed freak!”
Jon Read (studio engineer), claims that this is, “the creepiest job i’ve ever had in my life. and i’ve worked with Michael Jackson.”

“They really like making up.” Both Alan and Rick in a spa, drinking champagne. It would be really disturbing if this wasn’t so funny.

Top 10: Excuses Of The American Taliban Guy. Boy what a tool, this kid is. The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen! Raise your kids, parents. Please.. I’m begging you.

The list claims he was tricked by the brochure.. was interning.. got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at.. thought it was a paintball game.

Going out to commercial, we see a bump shot of Alan and Rick’s toast..

ACT 3

Green Onions! Love that song. My favorite version of that is on The Blues Brothers’ “Made in America” album… co-produced by Paul Shaffer.

Andy Garcia
Andy plays Harry Benedict in the Ocean’s Eleven remake. I know Hollywood thinks it can do whatever it wants, but how can you possibly think you can do a better job at *anything* than Frank Sinatra and his “clan”? I’m an egomaniac, but I don’t even come close to that kinda gall. When visiting a military base, “they were wildly excited to see Julia.” Who wouldn’t be? If there are any Julia Roberts staffers reading this, please tell Julia I love her.

Andy is also in “The Man from Elysian Fields” as a male escort who was “turned out” and pimped by Mick Jagger. Apparently this happens often due to the dang-ole telemarketers. Here in Tennessee we have some kinda “No Call” law preventing the telemarketers from dialing us up. Does it work? I dunno. I don’t have a regular phone… just a cell. I’ve never recieved a telemarketing call on it.

ACT 4

Chris Matthews
Host of Hardball and author of “Now let me tell you what I really think.” Dave doesn’t think hardball is mean, instead he finds it exciting. I haven’t spent a lot of time watching the show. Chris thinks we’re back to honoring our 5-year-old heros: firemen, nurses. Great! Now, let’s pay them well. What good does it do to put a flag on your car and wear a stupid ribbon? Let’s do something of substance.

Dave asks about flying, and Chris answers with a comment about eye contact in NYC. “Homeland security” puts him in the mind of words like “motherland, fatherland.” That is kind of weird. Eventually getting to the flight question, Chris asks who is going to stop somebody from putting a “bandanna on the top of their head.” ME! No bandannas on my watch! I used to wear “doo rags”.. until Tupoc (God rest his soul) retired to that great golden Cadillac in the sky. Then, out of respect for the man who laid down his life for peace in hip-hop, I laid down my bandanna. Chris suggests we fight terrorists with our shoes, belts, and laptops.

“We’re like pioneer men, again… Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone.” What? When did this happen? We’re primitive people, but I don’t see “us” as Davy Crockett-like. I don’t get it.

Chris thinks the Osama tape contains “Hitler stuff, Nixon stuff.” Grouping Osama bin Laden with Hitler and Nixon? I laughed.

On the American Taliban kid: “Its a free country, he bought his ticket.” THAT, I agree with. Screw the little traitor.

ACT 5

Wave, yokels! You’re on tv!

ACT 6

Dave says Johnny Walker is “in a shipping container.” Good. Anybody who looks that much like Charles Manson should be kept in a giant Ziploc disposable tupperware thing. Mr Matthews says he’s “so far to the left, Hillary Clinton called him a traitor.” Hey, that’s pretty good! “Don’t let him ever come back, treat him like everybody else in the cave.”

A good guest. I started off not liking him, but when he started talking about the traitor-kid, he won me over. At least Chris Matthews has something of substance to say. I don’t always agree with him, but that’s good. If everybody agreed with me it’d be a frightening world.

ACT 7

The wrap up. “Come back when you have something on your mind.”

“Put on your pants.” Always good advice.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Mike says, “diamonds are so stupid. Hasn’t mankind evolved past the point of being fascinated with shiny rocks?”

I wish. Don’t buy expensive crap for Christmas presents.. it doesn’t mean you love them more, just ’cause you spent more money. Buy cheap crap! And what better place to buy cheap crap than Mangy Dog’s online store. Go now, go often, go nuts!

THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Overall, I felt it was a great show. At least Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” didn’t completely screw the entire broadcast up the way they normally do. The Master Control Operator must’ve been asleep, ’cause usually he rolls breaks late, dips to black, and puts up obnoxious weather graphics that cover 2/3 of the screen talking about slightly inclement weather 100 miles away from their actual coverage area. Not tonight.. it was a clean show. Props to you, WTVF!