• all my best stories are either pending court cases.. or can’t be told until the statute of limitations runs out.. or are totally forgotten. #
• Having kids in your house is like having an infestation of rats. They chew up your stuff, build little nests, are impossible to get rid of. #
• ..unless you set up traps and use rat poison. That usually does the trick. #
• Jogging is better on the Wii Fit.. ’cause in real life you never run past Hitler, Chuck Norris, Darth Vader, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg. #
• apparently all you have to do is mention Chuck Norris and @ChuckNorriz will follow you. I “auto-follow” porn stars and SEO/marketing douches #
• I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself because Laura says “it hits too close to home” for her to enjoy it. Thanks @louisck #
• @JesseIsTerrific nope.. she decided that after seeing the pilot episode. So you see, I have to watch ‘Louis’ on F/X all by myself… #
• Sadly, David Letterman’s @Late_Show is in reruns this week. Here’s my Top 10 Signs You’re Obsessed With The Late Show: #
• 10. Your strict “no-talking during the show” policy includes commercial breaks and a 5-minute post show “cool down.” @Late_Show #
• 9. During lovemaking, you scream “Who Asked For It?” @Late_Show #
• 8. Bill DeLace recognizes your face and name. / You know who Bill DeLace is. (tie) @Late_Show #
• 7. You reenact the show every morning with homemade Paul and Dave dolls. @Late_Show #
• 6. You’re still holding a candle-light vigil for the return of Pea Boy. @Late_Show #
• 5. Your apartment is known as “The Dave Cave,” but your name isn’t Dave. @Late_Show #
• 4. Constantly on alt.fan.letterman, arguing the historical significance of Peggy The Foul Mouthed Chambermaid. @Late_Show #
• 3. The centerpiece of your shrine for Chris Elliott is a giant jar containing Chris Elliott. @Late_Show #
• 2. All you ever wear is double-breasted suits and your Larry “Bud” Melman pajamas. @Late_Show #
• 1. After all these years, you’re still searching for Dave’s erotic blog. @Late_Show #
• Callia’s first concert: “Weird” Al Yankovic. Awesome! (@ Tennessee Theatre w/ @supercatmatt) http://4sq.com/6cKjA2 #
• I’m still waiting for the very first time any athlete effects my life in any real way whatsoever [rolling eyes, making jerk off hand motion] #

Here’s a thing we made during the snow a couple weeks ago starring Lacy, Guido, Ace, Laura, Callia and myself.. and introducing “Bertha The Snow Girl.”

• Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
• RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
• “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
• RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
• Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
• IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
• Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
• In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
• Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
• Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
• Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
• RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
• Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
• Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
• actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
• Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
• ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
• judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
• the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
• Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
• Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
• I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
• I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

• I've asked my lovely wifera to speak to me in the classic "special ed student" voice whenever she's telling me what to do in the future. #
• If you hate getting off of your couch as much as I do, download 'Contra: ReBirth' for the Wii. #
• RT @nsup @Anundson hey gang @ChadRiden joins me on WRVU 91.1 FM 8am-9am. Get up stand up yo!!!! #
• Just saw Barbara Streisand on HLN talking about coming out of retirement. One of my oldest jokes #
• Sumter, SC! Tmrow I'll be on WDXY 1240AM 8:30ish am & Friday night headlining at the Sumter Opera House 8:30p -rally all slacker smartasses! #
• Planning for an upcoming camping trip, my lovely wifera requested I buy an electric blanket in case it gets cold. #
• In completely unrelated news, my lovely wifera hates and wishes I would shut my "stupid word hole." #
• Mocking a commercial on tv, I said, "I am Optimus Prime." Callia said, "No, you are Laziness Prime." Touche, my young Padawan. #
• Tonights show'll be WEIRD RT @comedynews Letterman says he was victim of $2-million extortion attempt in sex case http://tinyurl.com/ydeobbm #
• Only David Letterman could a) have something like this happen to him b) take a story like this and make it get constant laughs on his show. #
• Conan needs to fall and bust something else if he wants to get back in the news again. #
• Letterman's personal life is none of our Gat Dern business but watch em take a VERY personal & intimate & embarrassing story & made it FUNNY #
• @TVBarn I agree with @damianholbrook, I've gotten an anti-Dave vibe from you for a while now. Re-read 'Late night TV still a boys' club..' in reply to TVBarn #
• Why is it that if you make one wrong move with a clock radio, your whole day is ruined? #
• Ok, I pushed the wrong button. Why do I have to unplug it to get it to STF up? #
• headlining the Opera House in Sumter, SC tonight at 8:30. Tell your friends, 'cause I don't have any here: http://ping.fm/nmLV4 #