Here’s a thing we made during the snow a couple weeks ago starring Lacy, Guido, Ace, Laura, Callia and myself.. and introducing “Bertha The Snow Girl.”

• Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
• RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
• “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
• RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
• Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
• IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
• Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
• In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
• Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
• Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
• Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
• RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
• Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
• Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
• actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
• Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
• ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
• judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
• the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
• Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
• Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
• I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
• I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

• I've asked my lovely wifera to speak to me in the classic "special ed student" voice whenever she's telling me what to do in the future. #
• If you hate getting off of your couch as much as I do, download 'Contra: ReBirth' for the Wii. #
• RT @nsup @Anundson hey gang @ChadRiden joins me on WRVU 91.1 FM 8am-9am. Get up stand up yo!!!! #
• Just saw Barbara Streisand on HLN talking about coming out of retirement. One of my oldest jokes #
• Sumter, SC! Tmrow I'll be on WDXY 1240AM 8:30ish am & Friday night headlining at the Sumter Opera House 8:30p -rally all slacker smartasses! #
• Planning for an upcoming camping trip, my lovely wifera requested I buy an electric blanket in case it gets cold. #
• In completely unrelated news, my lovely wifera hates and wishes I would shut my "stupid word hole." #
• Mocking a commercial on tv, I said, "I am Optimus Prime." Callia said, "No, you are Laziness Prime." Touche, my young Padawan. #
• Tonights show'll be WEIRD RT @comedynews Letterman says he was victim of $2-million extortion attempt in sex case http://tinyurl.com/ydeobbm #
• Only David Letterman could a) have something like this happen to him b) take a story like this and make it get constant laughs on his show. #
• Conan needs to fall and bust something else if he wants to get back in the news again. #
• Letterman's personal life is none of our Gat Dern business but watch em take a VERY personal & intimate & embarrassing story & made it FUNNY #
• @TVBarn I agree with @damianholbrook, I've gotten an anti-Dave vibe from you for a while now. Re-read 'Late night TV still a boys' club..' in reply to TVBarn #
• Why is it that if you make one wrong move with a clock radio, your whole day is ruined? #
• Ok, I pushed the wrong button. Why do I have to unplug it to get it to STF up? #
• headlining the Opera House in Sumter, SC tonight at 8:30. Tell your friends, 'cause I don't have any here: http://ping.fm/nmLV4 #

• BEHOLD! Good tidings of great joy! Jesus Appears In My Spaghetti – http://ping.fm/LvLvv #
• I love my wifera. She's beautiful, she's wonderful, she's perfect. L O V E M Y W I F E R A. Suck it, everybody else. #
• The frigging President of the United States is on Letterman. If you had told me in 1983 that would happen someday I would have stared at you #
• No idea what Gossip Girl is, but "fagtards" sounds appropriate. @redban dudes I know are "Gossip Girl" watchers… you sirs, are fagtards! #
• Dave Letterman is telling a story about being shitfaced! If you don't tivo his show every night, you, sir, are a GAT DERN FOOL. #
• NOTE: I currently have a kegerator full of Belgian Saison. I also have both a child and cunty neighbors. I share beer with everybody else. #
• My wifera saw my "cunty neighbors" comment and wanted to know what happened. No big incident.. it's just fun to say. There r good ones, too. #
• Maggie Serota just coined the (word? phrase?) "ChuckleFuckers" in this interview with Greg Giraldo http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr via @comedynews #
• re: "ChuckleFuckers" – I vote for full adoption of this to our comedy nomenclature. http://tinyurl.com/mfw9mr #chucklefuckers #
• Introducing Granny McSassy-Pants: http://ping.fm/heR1D #
• TN rastas – I'll be in in Nashville @ Zanies Thursday night & @ Music City Bar & Grill Friday night & @ the Hi-Tone in Memphis Sunday. #
• awesome. RT @comedynews Hooray! You know what to do, errbody: RT @peeweeherman I'm back! Follow Pee-wee! #peewee #
• RN's have THE BEST stories. Plus, their stories are all *illegal*. Just by talking about work, they're violating HIPAA laws.. extra naughty! #
• I started this morning off by killing a mouse by punching it. The cat caught it & let it loose & I just reacted. #
• I don't know if you've ever punched a mouse to death before, but it makes you think about the possibility of rage issues. #
• Behind me, Callia said, "I love ALL creatures great and small and I think we should just let it go." So I tossed the corpse into the woods. #
• Heartwarming stories like "punching a mouse to death" and more! Tonight, 7:30pm at Zanies Nashville! $12. http://ping.fm/tkfLh #
• RT @zaniesnashville 4 FREE tix @ 7:30PM call 615-269-0221-say twitter & RT this deal- BEST OF NASHVILLE: TC COPE, CHAD RIDEN & LAHNA TURNER #
• RT @nsup The I Have No Friends Comedy Contest – 9pm @ Music City Bar & Grill; 2416 Music Valley Dr. http://links.comedynews.org/kx4a #
• I'm supposed to bring one of the dogs to Callia's school this afternoon. The chances of this being a complete disaster is very, very high. #

k

Friday morning I was off work and stayed home with Callia and Laura. Laura had worked the over night shift Thursday night and was just getting ready to go to bed when Callia wanted to go upstairs and get some breakfast. I took her up there and fired up a pot of coffee and tried to figure out what to fix for her. She grabbed an apple out of the bowl on the table and started eating that. “Sweet!” I thought, “that solves that problem.”

Mr. Mom put some dishes away and was straightening up the kitchen / dining room. When the coffee was ready I fixed myself a cup and had the tv on. Laura came upstairs after a few minutes and asked Callia if she had eaten breakfast. Callia said, “No. I heard some talk about breakfast.. but I didn’t get any breakfast.”

Is there any doubt who she takes after? Callia is a three foot tall female version of me. I fear the future.

We went camping over the weekend of Callia’s birthday and it was so much fun. She and I got down there about 5pm on a Friday, staked out a campsite and started setting up. She ate some snacks and made multiple trips over to the nearby playground, but really got into it once the tent was up. She ordered me to take off my shoes and come play inside with her. We had a blast.

When it got dark she said, “ok, let’s go inside” and I told her we were sleeping under the stars in the tent. She said, “I can’t sleep HERE!” as if it was a ridiculous notion. There was a group of old people square-dancing under this covered area we could see from our tent window.. Callia watched them for a while. She loves to dance, so “we” decided we’d go over there and join in. As soon as we got our shoes on, we heard them say, “all right! That’s it for the night. Thanks everybody, we’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.” So, once again my timing was perfect.

About 40 minutes after we laid down and she went to sleep, Laura arrived with my brother Kirk and his wife. They’d driven from Knoxville after getting off work, so Laura met up with them at the house and led them in since it was going to be dark. By then, most of the campers in our area were sleeping so we all just crashed out.

The next day we had a little party for Callia and a bunch of relatives came out and grilled burgers with us. Grandma Sara and Laura’s Paw, Laura’s sister Jessica and her husband Duncan and there were a few more from her side of the family. Kirk and Erin were already there and Grandma Perry and “Crazy Old Man Riden” (or “Papaw” as Callia calls him) drove from Johnson City where they’d attended Ashley Edmonds’ high school graduation. Laura had gotten Callia a Dora the Explorer cake & the fam pulled thru with tons of presents. I got Callia the same thing I get her every year: a bottle of Jack Daniels and a lottery ticket.

That night, my parents had rented one of the nearby cabins, but hung out in our campsite with us and Laura’s sister and her husband after everybody else left. There’s something about sneaking around with booze in a state park that makes me feel like a kid again. I dunno.. It’s just naughty. (owww! Wild man.. I’m outta control!)

Sunday morning we ate breakfast and broke camp. All in all, we only had three or four ticks.. Guido didn’t bite anybody.. Laura didn’t kill me in my sleep.. And Callia seemed to have a pretty good time, so I count it as a win.

I love it when I sit down to write about a particular subject and end up writing about everything EXCEPT that.

Callia was a flower girl in Jesse Perry & Candice Self’s wedding Sunday. It was beautiful, fun and most importantly a SHORT ceremony. There were two 3 year old boys who rang bells, then an older flower girl – maybe 5 or 6? – then Callia and another 2-ish year old. Despite a good rehearsal, the young flower girls were slow to go down the asile. When they stopped, amazed by all the people looking at them, they got applause.

Callia lit up for a second, then started crying and turned around looking for Mommy. I was standing at the end of the asile, video taping.. but I’d all but set the camera down trying to wave her my way. When Laura picked her up and carried her back to her seat, she was screaming for Daddy and I DID set the camera down to go to her. I couldn’t help it.

It was a great time and we all had a lot of fun. It was an outdoor thing.. we had a reception right there immediately after the nuptials. The kids played and ran around, but Callia spent more time on the stage thing dancing to the music.

Later, at Verago – a restaurant they rented out for another reception, Callia was a social butterfly, going around talking to everyone and busting moves on the dance floor. She even got to toast the couple when they busted the champagne out.

The bride was thoughtful enough to go get Callia a champagne flute full of water for her to drink. This was really cool.. she didn’t drop it or spill any.. she held her glass up high and drank at the appropriate time. She has actually been doing “cheers” for a while – when we fix chocolate milk she’ll sometimes say, “cheers?” and want to clink glasses and then drink up. She also does it with popsicles.

Those are some of her passions now. I introduced her to the joys of chocolate milk as a treat for Valentines Day and she’s been obsessed ever since. She’d drink it all day and eat only popsicles, if only she could get that fridge door open herself.

I tend to eat a lot of peanuts during the summer.. I keep a bucket of them around the house & on the porch sometimes. Callia puts the whole peanut in her mouth and enjoys the roasted, salted dusty husk. She can bust some of them open herself, but usually hands them to me asking, “open it?”

She likes to sit in the hammock and go for walks and take rides in her wagon. Occasionally, she’ll ask to ride her bike – usually after seeing another kid on one. She also gets excited about motorcycles.. calling them bikes, too.

We still go play on the swings and the slide. She’s really quick to learn and remember names of kids she meets on the playground. I’ll “meet” them and their parents a dozen times before I’ll remember them.. but Callia knows ‘em and calls them by name.

She loves Dora the Explorer and Teletubbies.. and still loves Star Wars. As an infant, Callia would NOT watch tv. Hated it.. would walk over to the tv and turn it off all the time.

A while back I was watching the original trilogy dvds and she was totally into it.. she was completely sucked in. Empire was the first movie / tv / video she ever watched. She sat with me and I explained what was happening.. told her about Yoda and the Force.. about believing in yourself and trusting your instinct.. she’d softly repeat whatever I’d say, not taking her eyes off the screen. It was great. Laura hated me for it.

She watches tons of kiddie stuff on tv now, but whenever I play the Star Wars films, she still has the same reverence and excitement for ‘em. And she goes around randomly talking about Yoda sometimes.. so I know that I’ve done SOMETHING right.

I’ll probably take her to see Revenge Of The Sith once the crowds have died down and people won’t be pressing up against me as I file into and out of the theater. We’ll probably catch a matinee in two or three weeks so Callia and I can go together in peace and safety so we can watch the Star Wars movie so dark and disturbing that it got a PG-13 rating. Oh, my! See ya there, nerds!

Callia laughs at funny things without being cued.. she has for a long time. She laughs at Laura, me, tv.. anything that is funny, she responds to it with laughter, smiles and sometimes applause.

Tonight at dinner, Callia made a joke. It’s not the first one, but it’s the funniest thing I’ve heard her say so far. I forget what she was talking about. She speed babbles and throws in random English, repeating phrases a lot so if you pay enough attention to her you can follow her train of thought and understand the gist of what she’s saying.

We were eating chili and just all talking and stuff and she’s saying something. I wish I could remember the phrase! She repeated it, and drew the last word out long and put a smart-ass inflection on her pronunciation. Laura and I busted out laughing and Callia got excited and laughed with us. I said, “That was hilarious! Callia you made a Funny! Daddy is so proud.”

“Callia is funny!” she exclaimed. She repeated this with glee the rest of the night.

Later on, we were watching a dvd of the 4th season of HBO’s “Mr. Show” (the greatest sketch comedy show ever – created by David Cross and Bob Odenkirk) and Callia payed attention (she normally does NOT watch tv and will go turn it off if you try to watch it) and laughed out loud at the funny lines even if nobody else was laughing.

I’m tellin’ ya.. I knows Funny when I sees it and this kid’s got The Goods.

I forgot to mention that we took Callia out to Chuck E. Cheese (in Hickory Hollow, Antioch) Saturday night. We ordered a pepperoni pizza and some drinks and sat down to wait for the “show” and the food.

Callia and I went to play some games while we waited.. which probably was a mistake. She rode the Stewart Little car.. where you sit next to the giant mouse in a little car and it gently rocks back and forth. She didn’t seem too impressed.

Then we tried the Clifford The Big Red Dog ride. Exactly the same thing, except it’s in the shape of the dog instead of a car. She LOVED it. I tried to pick her up when the ride was over and she screamed.. so we rode again. And again. And again. She was obsessed. I looked around to see if any other kids were waiting for a ride.. I scanned the area for dirty looks from parents.. but I think we were ok.

I saw a pizza go out to our table and Laura motioned for us to come back. Callia was rather unhappy with that. She screamed “PUPPY!” and reached out for the ride all the way back to our table. We struggled to get her to eat. She wasn’t havin’ it. She wanted to get back on the Clifford ride. The only thing that distracted her was the Chuck E. Cheese Show.

When I was a kid, we had Showbiz Pizza.. with a big animatronic band rockin’ out and action on three stages. This place had ONE robot Chuck on a tiny stage and a large screen tv with some of his “friends” interacting with him on video. That’s like phoning it in! What was cool, though was they had a video camera set up in front of a blue wall.. so the kids could jump around and they’d be superimposed over the show on the tv’s. Callia didn’t go over there, but she did stand next to the stage and dance for a while.

After Laura and I ate the pizza, we went back to the Clifford ride. Callia rode it about a dozen more times.. then we started looking around for other things for her to do. She didn’t like leaving the puppy.. but we did ride a Merry-Go-Round, a big dump truck ride, a school bus ride and some other stuff.

We finished up the night by playing Skee-Ball for a bit. Callia was able to roll the balls a foot or two, then I’d grab ‘em and shoot ‘em up at the targets for her. We did pretty well.. we’ll have to take her bowling next time we want family fun.