• Washing and drying a few loads of snuggies, slankets and bariatric slipper socks. #
• RT @toddbarry: My favorite part of getting the Sunday NY times: throwing out the Sports section. #
• “Osama Bin Laden has never touched a dime of his Al Qaeda money, living entirely off of his stand-up income.” Late Show fun fact 10/9/2009 #
• RT @Anundson: Chad Riden and Jesse Perry live in studio on Tues Dec 8th 8-9am WRVU 91.1. The final Get Up Stand Up! streaming @ wrvu.org #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 414. I’m starting to think we’re not on track to hit 1,000 by NYE, everybody. #
• Remember my pledge to donate ONE THOUSAND pennies to charity if I get 1,000 followers by the end of 2009!? C’mon, Twitter.. where’s your <3? #
• IT’S FOR CHARITY, people. Surely we can find 586 twitter users who like random, passive-agressive jackassery? Tell a friend: #CHADRIDEN1K #
• Uh, oh. I’m getting all retrospective-y on 2009.. I only kinda remember what I did this year, so I’ll mark it down as a success. #
• In 2010, I’ll continue my quest for more & better quality of everything, but will settle for whatever and be satisfied with none of it. #
• Callia and I tastefully decorated the house last night. My lovely wifera just said, “it looks like Christmas threw up in here.” #
• Woke up thinking WWJD?, so we’re sitting around the fireplace drinking whiskey & singing ironically anti-semitic lyrics to Christmas tunes. #
• Endorsement – Dr. Bamford’s NO SOAP™ http://ping.fm/ESu0h #
• RT @Anundson was just informed I am not welcome back on WRVU, seven hours after I announced I wouldn’t be back. another bridge burned #wrvu #
• Jim Hayes, Assistant Director of Student Media/Broadcasting at Vanderbilt University, is a giant dildo. (it’s not libel if it’s true!) #wrvu #
• Once again, telling Callia that old story about the time I got into a gunfight with Santa Claus. (Don’t hate on me, he started it.) #
• actually it was TG2:EB2: Electric Boogaloo’er! // RT @themightychuck @GeoffBreedwell Chad just celebrated Thanksgiving 2 Electric Boogaloo #
• Dear Internet, could I please have more shitty Tiger Woods jokes? I can’t get enough of ‘em! I just know they’ll stand the test of time.. #
• ha! David Letterman’s first message on twitter: RT @Late_Show Do you smell veal and peppers? // yes, Dave. Yes, I do. #
• judging from the evidence I’ve gathered in and around my bathroom, last night I brushed my teeth with A+D diaper rash cream. #
• the anchor on CNN just said, “electriZZZity.” could someone around Atlanta please punch her in the face for me? ty #
• Callia brought home her first Kwanzaa related school work today. mat? fruit? candles? ears of corn? unity cup? gifts? we’re converting. #
• Project: Scientology Sucks (a video prank contest) – cash prizes! I want to do this: http://ping.fm/qHrJz #
• I just try to steal their hearts. // RT @Grimeys: it makes me cry when you steal from us @Grimeys… just so you know (via @NashvilleCream) #
• I feel sorry for the people who hate the USA but love Lee Greenwood. #

Dr. Joel Bamford of Duluth, MN has a revolutionary break thru product that I just can’t stop talking about.

For years I suffered from dry, cracked skin. I’ve grown accustomed to molting my damaged epidermis annually, and along with it shedding any hope of one day not looking freakishly insane. Thanks to Dr. Bamford’s No Soap, I’ve changed my skin and changed my life! I still look crazy, but at least I have healthy skin.

From SoapAlternatives.com:

Over the years major breakthroughs have improved the mildness of soaps, so that in the year 2000 products like Dove, Lever 2000 and Syndet bar can claim to be the mildest of soaps.

Even the mildest soaps made earlier cause mild to severe rashes, particularly in the winter months anywhere north of Miami, Florida. Only the naturally pure, smooth, block of NO SOAP™, first produced by Thomas Edwin Bamford, Sr., MD for his suffering patients back in 1866, can protect you from real soap damage.

Tom had a general practice which he carried out in his home office at 418 North Delaware Street, Syracuse, New York, North America. An orphan himself, he could not afford much soap in England where he was born and, later, in Wales where is father worked in the mines. He continued growing up in the tenements of New York City. After his mother died, he and his brother had to go to Remsen, New York, as a farm hand. The supportive Welch community there must have recognized his potential and helped him complete his formal education.

Though the air could be rough, wet and cold there, it was not until he began practice in upstate New York that he saw patients who, every winter, developed painfully dry, cracking skin. Over time he recognized the importance of avoiding too much soap, then the harsh soaps (Ivory is still fine for those who live in Florida), then the milder soaps (Cashmere Bouquet). He then had the sudden insight, NO SOAP™ would be best way to promote healthy skin.

This novelty product was quick to clear the damaged skin of his General Practice patients in Syracuse, New York, where he had in home office at 418 North Delaware Street. He also served as the Medical Director of a large psychiatric hospital, where it is likely NO SOAP™ was also a blessing to patients.

Thus far four generations of North American Drs Bamford have promoted this skin saving alternative to traditional, lye based, defatting skin products (any soap, body wash or shampoo).

More information about this incredible product and instructions for obtaining your own bar of NO SOAP™ is available at SoapAlternatives.com. Honestly, no home should be without at least one bar of NO SOAP™, but I’d recommend getting three or four, just in case. Don’t forget, they make great stocking stuffers! My sincere gratitude goes out to Maria Bamford for the referral.

• I just generated my #TweetCloud out of a year of my tweets. Top three words: tonight, comedy, night – http://w33.us/2kit #
• http://twitpic.com/rpdom – The Reindeer toilet. If this is in your house, I hate you. #
• It’s childish, I know.. but I snicker every time the CNN anchor says, “Cyber Monday.” Cyber-anything = “cyber-spanking it” in my mind. #
• You’re all invited to “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo” – dinner & break-dancing movies tonight at my house: http://adjix.com/xbvq #
• Turkeys are cheap if you buy em the day after Thanksgiving. The bird is in the oven! The kegerator is full of Paulaner Hefe-Weizen! #
• AND after the meal, we’ll be gathering around the tv to watch the break dancing cinematic classics Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2. #
• (I hate sports, so this is what we do instead of watching football or whatever it is people do.) #
• I KNOW we did the exact same thing Feb 25th, but “Electric Boogaloo” is too fun to say & “Thanksgiving 3: Electric Boogaloo” sounds stupid. #
• Technically, this could be “Thanksgiving 4: The Quest For Peace” – but I don’t want to over think this. #
• I know it’s late notice, but “planning” is for ass-hats. If you can’t make it for any reason, we’ll take that to mean you don’t love us. #
• The E! Network interrupted the Punky Brewster ‘behind the whatever’ show with “breaking news” about Tiger Woods. Suck it, everybody at E! #
• Thanks to everybody who came out for “Thanksgiving 2: Electric Boogaloo 2: Electric Boogaloo’er” last night. Turkey + booze + breakin = fun #
• Random Chad Fact: I have an insane, irrational hatred for sports, athletic ability, and physical effort in general. #
• Having tooled around with Google Wave for all of 7 minutes, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is a failure and they should turn it off. #
• Watching Maria Bamford’s free ONE HOUR HOMEMADE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL again. You should too: http://mariabamford.com #
• Cash is great. I also take checks, paypal, cheese, beer and pictures, but leave only footprints & the scent of cheep booze & beef jerky. #
• every news show on tv has turned into some retarded mix of Entertainment Tonight, Mtv News & the end of Planet of the Apes. #
• my favorite thing on Twitter: random person says, “Get 1000′s of followers!” – then you click on their page and they’ve got 42 followers. #
• I still view everything as a giant jocks vs. nerds struggle. I was in a bar this weekend and football was on tv.. #
• ..someone asked me “who’s your team?” and I told them “I wish they ALL would lose.” You should have seen the confused stares. #

Hola, true believers! It’s me, your pal Chad Riden (America’s Favorite Comedian of All Time) with a little update about comedy crap and real life crap and everything in between. There has been so much going on, I barely know where to start. Maybe I should start at the beginning? (I’m told that’s a very good place to start.)

No, I’m going to start at the end: I’ve got shows coming up! Tonight at Zanies, Tomorrow on NBC’s Last Comic Standing (maybe) and live at Jesse Zane’s.. Next week at Zanies a few more times. Skip to the bottom of this for more details.

REAL LIFE CRAP UPDATES:

It has been a wonderful spring for me. It’s about this time every year when my neighbors and I begin plotting to overthrow the neighborhood association.. it really needs to be done and I’m just the man to do it. THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED!

I spent a week in Hollywood, where I…
- saw maria bamford, orny adams, jim gaffigan, godfrey, daryl wright @ the improv.
- filmed gang fight scenes for a movie trailer
- got to meet my heroes Sergio Aragones and Mark Evanier and brush into Tom Kenny.
- had lunch at The Magic Castle. Their lunch menu called me “America’s most famous unknown stand-up comedian” which made me very happy.
- saw a dog w/ a bag of his crap tied to his collar

I had a lot of fun, but the dog crap thing was really the highlight. When I got back to Nashville’s airport, I saw an 80 year old man pimpin a brand new Members Only jacket, which made me smile and then cry.

Sadness! Some idiot hit / flipped / totaled my jeep. Laura and Callia are bruised but ok. The fault goes to a 77-year-old woman pulling out of her driveway onto Andrew Jackson Parkway who “hit the gas instead of the brake”. Classic. Way too old to drive.. she plowed thru three cars and went across the grass median before she stopped. It’s hard to be mad at an old woman, though.. she was just horrified at what she had done. It puts things into perspective, too. Everybody’s safe and the Jeep can be replaced. Plus, I feel like a moron when I hit the windshield wiper instead of the turn signal.. imagine this woman’s embarrassment and guilt. Still, get off the friggin’ road, oldie! The worst part was I sprinted two whole blocks from the road block to the wreckage to get to my family.. and my body was SORE as it could be for the next four days. Exercise is the worst possible thing you could do to your body.

OH! I almost forgot. This is the biggest announcement ever:

ChadRiden 3G – the super-cool, faster, awesomer version of me will be available July 11th worldwide. Get in line, now! Every year I watch Steve Jobs’ keynote presentation at the big Apple WWDC thing (eagerly awaiting word of the new stuff from Apple that I can’t afford) and it’s always slightly disappointing. I always expect him to show off Apple’s life-sized, fully functional starship Enterprise. What’d we get? iPhone3G! Screw that.. gimme a transporter room and stuff so I can cruise the universe lookin’ for hot alien chicks.

Speaking of hotties, my comedy pal Carla Rhodes is in the current issue of Penthouse. It’s very tastefully done and she really doesn’t show off anything but cleavage.. but still.. it’s the first time any of my comedy buddies has appeared in that fine publication, so I think it’s pretty cool. Go to NashvilleStandUp.com to check it out.

COMEDY CRAP UPDATES:

- TONIGHT / Wed 6/11 @ Zanies w/ Tim Wilson. showtime @ 7:30pm, but get there early for good seats. Sorry for the late notice, they just asked me to do this show this morning.

- TOMORROW / Thurs 6/12 @ 7:30pm Central, NBC will air the new episode of “Last Comic Standing” featuring the Nashville auditions shot at Zanies on March 3rd. Yes, LCS will once again reduce Nashville’s comedy scene (and stand-up comedy in general) to a montage of shirtless redneck caricatures, Sassy Southern Grannies Who Tell It Like It Is, and other clueless goofballs in costumes who’ve never performed comedy but want to “git own tha tee-veee.” Mixed in there somewhere (hopefully) will be some of the professional and up-and-coming comics from the region who auditioned that day. Who knows. Right off the bat, the first episode started off with a guy in a chicken suit.. so expectations are LOW for this season. At the end of last weeks episode, they promo’d tomorrows episode and I could be seen running up onto the stage.. SO, now I’m really scared that I’ll be on the show and they’ll make me look like an even bigger ass-hat than I really am. I know for a fact that my buddies Dale Jones and Mary Mack will be all over the episode, so let me encourage you to watch just to see them.

- TOMORROW / Thurs 6/12@ Jesse Zane’s Nashville Nights @9pm. Just $3 cover. I’m headlining this, but the rest of the line-up is well worth going out to see this show, regardless – Damian Anaya, Tommy Joyce, Joe Southards, Brad Edwards, Monty Mitchell, ‘D’ White.. it’s gonna be a lot of fun. 308 Church Street (next to Printer’s Alley) – 615-242-9773. Set your TiVo to record Last Comic and bring your booty out to see me live at Jesse Zane’s. If you go, somehow work the Smurfs into conversation with me and I’ll buy you a beer.

- Mon, June 16 @ Zanies w/ Mike Birbiglia. 7:30pm. There is a completely unfounded rumor floating around that some of the other comics from the Bonnaroo comedy tent might drop by to do a set. Let me repeat: that is a completely unfounded and probably false rumor. Regardless, it’s gonna be an awesome show. Buy tickets now, it will sell out before this week is over.

- June 18, 19, 22 @ Zanies w/ “Uncle Lar” Larry Reeb & Tom Rhodes. Funny guys, as heard on the Bob and Tom Radio show. Plus me! Wooo.

Then in July I drive off to do a run of shows in the Carolinas and on a few beaches. I HATE the beach, but Laura and Callia enjoy fun in the sun so I book this every year for them. It’s all about The Ladies.

That’s it. Give me a yell and tell me what’s going on with you.. or sign up for Twitter and add me there. (it’s easy and awesome and not all gay like MySpace) I’m at http://www.Twitter.com/ChadRiden

if you get a chance to come out to any of these shows, please bring me Pokemon cards. I use ‘em to pay off the neighborhood kids to do my revolutionary dirty work for me.

The Hardest Working Man In No Business,
Chad Riden