• Awesome. RT: @alyankovic http://twitpic.com/mdmh7 – My wife and I do everything together. #
• has a $600+ speeding ticket from Turner County, GA. No f#@&ing way that’s getting paid. WTF am I supposed to do? Not pay the mortgage? #
• [ChadRiden.com] Never made this: “Pull My Finger” http://adjix.com/w4pj #
• I’ll be stomping thru GA like Sherman the first week of November, doing a run of random shows. Please tell friends: http://adjix.com/kru5 #
• is too legit to quit #
• My mom just called and asked me about Quintessons. I wish I’d recorded the conversation. http://ping.fm/6ZDxx #
• scheduling myself for a 5pm bourbonoscopy. (via @lgu) #
• Ha ha! RT @birbigs “Jeff Dunham breaks ComedyCentral ratings records” http://bit.ly/4hSowj in other news, comedy is reportedly broken. #
• Not me, man. F-that show. RT @jdsteinhauser @ChadRiden I saw that shit! I want to see the show now just to see how bad it is. #
• Jeff Dunham show is dumb, racist, homophobic, ignorant & lowest common denominator.. of course it’s a huge mf’in success. #idiocracy #
• Naturally, if he called me tomorrow with a paycheck, i’d be happy to cash it.. & he’d instantly be a legendary, visionary genius. #
• I feel like I’m piling on to someone who was tackled a long time ago by badmouthing the Jeff Dunham Show. I don’t like badmouthing comics. #
• I’ve met Dunham a few times and he couldn’t be a nicer guy, but Jesus Herbert Christmas The Third I can’t stand to watch that show. #
• It’s like when Carlos Mencia had a show. My non-comic friends all LOVED it. I wanted to rip my brain out of my skull and set it on fire. #
• Joke I used to do: “I saw a promo on Comedy Central that said, ‘What’s inside the Mind of Mencia?’ Uh, I don’t know.. other people’s jokes?” #
• Again, I feel like I’m jumping on the bandwagon by crapping on Carlos Mencia. It’s been done.. by comics way better at it than me. #
• Of course, I’ve been saying Jay Leno’s show sucked infected donkey ass for 19 years now. Everybody else just now seem to have realized that? #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 398! Slow down, everybody.. we don’t want to blow Twitter up. #

The Chadyterians who follow my career closely already know this, but people keep sending me messages asking when I was going to talk about it all, so I thought I might as well talk about it here: I did appear on Last Comic Standing this season and it was glorious. Critics have already hailed my appearance as groundbreaking comedic genius spiced with dramatic tension unparalleled in the world of entertainment. I have to say.. please, everybody, calm down.

This is all very flattering, but I think it’s important that we all remember that I’m just a man. A very funny, sexy man.. but remember: I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else.. so the deification is really unnecessary and embarrassing. Let’s all try to keep things in perspective.

I forget.. many people outside of the Chadyterian faith come by occasionally to see what all the whoop dee doo (whoop-dee-doo!) is about, so maybe I should put the clip right here for the people who’ve had their heads under a rock and missed the non-stop media coverage about my recent NBC prime time debut. Enjoy.

YouTube: Chad Riden on Last Comic Standing

The emails I’ve been getting non-stop all week ARE right: the producers were very, very wise to just give audiences a small, potent glimpse of my comedic prowess and tangible, raw, sexual power. I think the great people behind Nashville’s Premier Authority On All Things Comedy, NashvilleStandUp.com (which, upon first glance seems like a wonderful website. I’ve bookmarked it, and will return there soon to stay abreast of the local scene that helped launch my career. I don’t blame you if you do the same.) said it best when they called the clip “the funniest second of video on YouTube.” Thank you, kind sirs.

While I appreciate all of this attention, I just want to point out that I’m really just a kid trying to have some fun.. and the real champions of the night were all of the Chad Riden Fans out there – you guys are the reason I do what I do.. and without you, it just wouldn’t be the same. I hope to see all of you out at all the live shows and public appearances. Thanks again for all of your support. May Megatheos bless us all, preferably via the rocket-like continued success of my comedy career.

“Freedom! Freedom! Freedom! Freeeeeeeedooom! Freedom!” Not unlike Aretha Franklin’s character in The Blues Brothers, I have been set free. About ten months ago, a great plague fell upon my household. It wasn’t locusts, drought or syphilis.. no, no, no. I would have gladly endured any of those plights instead of what I had to put up with: the unholy presence of Jesse Perry.

Imagine being completely dependent upon somebody else for every aspect of your day to day life. Housing, transportation, food, cable television, high-speed internet access, you name it. Can you fathom such a horrible situation? Now, pretend that you are the person that somebody else is completely dependent upon. Even worse, picture this: the person permeating every facet of your life happens to be Jesse Perry. The terror!

Yes, the days of Mr. Perry infesting my house and destroying any shred of privacy I once had are over. All he left in his wake was a pile of debris and a spank-it magazine he had stolen from me months ago. Boy is the house different with him gone..

My pets have come out of hiding. I thought they died or fled the property months ago. I can now buy groceries and rest assured that nobody is sitting at my house while I’m gone, devouring all of my food. My shower drain is no longer plugged up with the hairs that leapt from Jesse’s sad, balding head as if it were a burning building.

I’ve aired the place out, and have begun sterilizing the surfaces. The most difficult thing to clean up is the Jesse residue, or “Jessidue” as I have come to call it. It’s an odd smelling, greasy film that can’t be removed with commercial cleaning products. I’ve found that the best way to get it clean is to use a copper brush and acid that I had to special order thru Home Depot. It’s dangerous work.. the chemical is very toxic. I have to wear rubber gloves, a breathing mask and goggles. It’s all worth the effort, though.

Finally, I have my life back. I can now sit at home and enjoy the peaceful silence of a Jesse-Free Zone. The joy! Pure ecstasy, I tell you. My cold, black little heart has warmed up like butter in a skillet in hell.. and it worries me.

With my life back in order.. with the tragedy over.. with the pain gone.. I began to fear that I may lose my edge. My comedy is fueled with smart-assed hate and loathing. How can I continue when I can’t feed off my hatred for Jesse Perry? That is a huge part of the negativity that courses thru me like the heroin in Courtney Love’s veins. But then I realized something that gave me hope for the future: Just because Jesse has moved out doesn’t mean I have to stop hating him!

So, for the sake of my comedy.. for the sake of MangyK9.. for your sakes.. I now make this pledge to you, the Chad Riden Fans: I will continue, strong as ever, with my bad attitude, my jackass behavior, and my cheap dead celebrity jokes. With Jesse out of my way, over at his new “Chateau Debris,” I can spend more time plotting against him uninterrupted. Even considering the worst case scenario (which would be forgetting my absolute despite for Mr. Perry and becoming, God forbid, his friend), I think everything would still be ok because I could focus more of my dark powers on the other marks out there who desperately deserve mockery and humiliation.

Watch out, no-talent pop stars! Heads up, mediocre, low-brow, derivative, unfunny, formulaic, predictable, hack late night talk show hosts who happen to have had a show on NBC at 11:35 Eastern Standard Time for the last ten years! Beware, you over-rated, pompous Hollywood jackasses with enough money to buy and sell me a million times over! I’m fully charged with spite and I’m ready to smother you with slander.

We all know, the only thing worse than being completely alone on Valentine’s Day is being stuck in a horribly suffocating relationship that has drained you of your very will to live.

Valentine’s Day is yet another one of those stupid “holidays” completely fabricated by the retail industry (in this case, florists whose prices increase exponentially the week of February 14th) for which we sure as hell don’t get time off from work. However, we are expected to have something special planned for our significant others.

For women, this means…. well, honestly (as in most cases) all you have to do is show up. For men, it’s a time of stress and pressure equal to none. There are three basic routes a man can take on Valentine’s Day:

1) Fabricate a “break-up scenario”
Start an argument that is sure to end in a break-up. If your relationship is like 90% of the rest of ‘em, you’ll both do something naughty to get back at each other and be back together within 3-4 days. If you time this right, you can avoid V-day altogether.

2) Standard Valentine’s Crap
You cop out and buy some combination of flowers, candy, lingerie, and sex-toys. You take her to dinner (or cook one yourself) and hope to God that she is as unimaginative as you are and didn’t expect anything special.

3) Romantic Ingenuity
The phantom ‘holy grail’ of relationships: you actually care about your partner. Not only that, you want to do something totally unexpected and exciting because of your love. (This doesn’t mean doing something you read in Maxim. I know you think you have new, special moves up your sleeve now that you’ve read their latest ‘tried and true tricks’ article, but so does every other guy – and girl – that read that.)

I know, I know.. most people don’t believe this kind of love exists. I personally can’t vouch for it, as most of my relationships seem to involve some sort of cash transaction for every 15-minutes I spend with my loved ones. But I believe.. somewhere, somehow there is someone out there perfect for me. The lyrics of several Led Zeppelin songs told me so.

If you want to really impress the object of your affection, there is one sure-fire way to do it: home-made crap. Whatever it is you’re giving her don’t buy it in a store, make it yourself. I know it seems stupid and way too simple.. but it shows creativity and imagination… and it’s cheaper.

I’ll help get you started. Here, my friend, are several home-made Valentine’s Day cards that the MangyK9 himself and I put together just for you. Click each thumbnail to open a pop-up window to view the card. Inside the card there is also a link to open a page suitable for printing. Once you’ve printed it out, fold it in half, then in half again. Give it to your special someone, and watch the sparks fly!