• New Years Resolution: work much harder at growing my beard to be the awesomest MFing beard you’ve ever seen in your whole damn life #
• Callia talking smack to the Pokemon Battle Revolution Wii game: “Is that a lamb? You better call Little Bo Peep.” #
• #CHADRIDEN1K started on Oct. 8 with 388 followers. I’m now at 420. OMG, we’re not going to reach 1,000 by New Years Eve, are we?!? O-M-G #
• finally uploaded a video to Funny or Die: “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” http://tinyurl.com/FOD-roadkill #
• RT @ScottAukerman:Any time I see an attractive woman on TV or in the movies, I think, “Oh, she’s pretty-what job is she pretending to have?” #
• RT @GregFitzShow: I have a really good podcast, but too few followers. Please send a message to friends so I can break 6k by 2010. Thanks! #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said and did (or didn’t say and do) in 2009. #
• Crappy New Year to: overbearing neighborhood associations. You’re all creepy as shit. I hope your houses burn then flood. #
• Crappy New Year to: any cop that hands out tickets for a living. I hope your family is victimized while you’re clocking speeders. #
• Crappy New Year to: partisan zealots. Our 2-party system is the problem. Disband all political parties and force people to think. #
• Crappy New Year to: insurance companies. Suck it. What a scam you’re running.. I hope our entire fake economy crashes. #
• Crappy New Year to: the ass-clowns ruining WRVU-FM. Vanderbilt has some really cool people.. but there are also Total Dicks. #
• Crappy New Year to: people offended by the word “retarded” – mentally handicapped people aren’t.. and YOU are silly. #
• Happy New Year to everybody who is still my friend after putting up with all of the crap I said in the last thirty seconds. #
• Crappy New Year to: career politicians. You should all make minimum wage, live in public housing & rely upon welfare. #
• Crappy New Year to: Wall Street. Anything that can fluctuate in “value” by major percentages a minute HAS to be worthless. #
• Crappy New Year to: anything “too big to fail” – those are exactly the things that should fail. You’re all wrong and retarded. #
• Crappy New Year to: anyone who gave up on the dream. The difference between success and failure is your choices. #
• My 6-year-old daughter just asked me to play Spin The Bottle with her. I have failed as a parent. #
• OH. Her version of Spin The Bottle is you do an impression of whoever the bottle points to. Her impression of me is funny, not flattering. #
• When Callia says “I’m starving to DEATH!” she means, “I could eat about four chicken nuggets.” #
• Crappy New Year to: jackasses who drive past my house doing twice the speed limit, revving their minivan engines to their pathetic limits. #
• Crappy New Year to: dipshits dropping bass beats (as if it’s still 1992) while creeping past my house at 2 mph at 3 a.m. — die in a fire. #
• “Jackass picks up roadkill deer off the interstate” – just wrote up ‘the rest of the story’ on http://ping.fm/sfVuD #
• Probably more lifelike than he is in person. // RT @michaelianblack The CGI Carson Daly looks amazing!!! in reply to michaelianblack #
• Finally defeated New SMB Wii. I think this means I’ll be a drunken nerd “achiever” who over-eats but doesn’t sleep in 2010. Awesome? #
• @ sams, boozin it up with my lovely wifera. Come on out errbody, drinks are on you! #

I think it’s cute the way Fox News freaks talk about the “main stream media” as if they’re all in one building, working together following one shared ideological mission.

Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite times of the year. The trees are beautiful, the grass has stopped growing, football season really heats up, people gather to eat enormous meals, and we’re just few weeks away from Christmas and New Years.

The only downside to this time of year I can think of off hand is the leaves all over the yard. I’m not a stickler about raking them up as soon as they fall – I love walking thru the piles, kicking them around for a while. Even when it’s time to do some yard work, I don’t mind raking them.. that’s part of the fun. What burns me is that when you’re shuffling thru leaves, your chances of unknowingly slopping thru a pile of dog crap goes up 80%.

Weather we want to or not, it’s almost inevitable that we start thinking about what we are thankful for. Why? Because every half-wit asks you, “what are you thankful for?” Plus, people desperate for column ideas write about what they’re thankful for, forcing you to be somewhat introspective. Either you begin reflecting upon the past year and your entire life.. or you take one look and clickity-click-clicking your way over to some wholesome, seasonal, hard-core porn.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m writing and performing comedy, and am lucky enough to be able to spend most of my evenings hanging out and enjoying other comedians among friends. I have a great job, a wonderful family, the pimpin’est dog, and good health. Nobody’s trying to kill me (that I know of), I don’t have some weird festering, dripping rash, I haven’t knocked anybody up, and there’s no silly drama in my life.

Things are going pretty good for me, but that’s not all I’m happy about. I’m thankful for what’s going on in the world around me. I’ve got plenty of things to make fun of… Michael Jackson is back, Britney Spears has a new album, and the Cute Boy Band craze continues. Benefit concerts abound, the Emmy Award Show was postponed until nobody on the planet cared anymore, Temptation Island 2 is on tv, and Jennifer Lopez is shooting another movie.

Even politics are conducive to comedy. We’re bombing the hell outta Afghanistan, so it’s ok again to make fun of people who wear turbans and ride camels. There’s so much unfocused patriotism floating around that you can randomly start chants of “USA! USA! USA!” no matter where you are and you’re instantly a hero. Strap a $10 US flag to your $40,000 foreign vehicle, and you’re a rolling monument of American pride!

Yes, the world is falling apart at the seams.. and that’s just fine with me.

Pop Singer Michael Bolton Loses U.S. Top Court Appeal

WASHINGTON – Pop superstar Michael Bolton lost a U.S. Supreme Court bid on Monday to overturn a $5.4 million jury verdict that his hit, “Love Is a Wonderful Thing,” copied parts of a song by the legendary soul singers, the Isley Brothers. This decision officially confirms Bolton as this year’s early leader among pop acts completely devoid of original thought and talent. Ricky Martin follows at a close second, due to his Pre-Presidential Inauguration Concert. The nation is still in shock following news source Reuters’ use of the phrase “pop superstar” in conjunction with Michael Bolton.

‘Friends’ Beefs Up for Battle Against ‘Survivor’

HOLLYWOOD – In a desperate move to limit the potential damage from CBS’ “Survivor: The Australian Outback,” .NBC will serve up extra-long episodes of “Friends” and a shortened prime-time version of “Saturday Night Live” from 8-9 p.m. on Thursdays next month. When reached for comment, an unnamed NBC representative was quoted as saying, “It’s OVER! It’s ALL OVER! Oh, my God it’s all crashing down around me! What have we done? What have we dooooooooonnnnnnnnnnne?!”

This reporter thinks they should just have hour-long Friends episodes where the gang sits around watching Survivor on their tv. Then, you get all the things you love about Friends, you don’t miss what happens down in Australia, and NBC would be slightly less conspicuous with it’s lack of faith in their product.

In other entertainment news, Tupac Shakur is still dead. We’ll keep you updated on this late-breaking story as it unfolds.

George W. Bush Delivers 14-Minute Inaugural Address

WASHINGTON – Minutes after he was sworn in as the 43rd president Saturday, President George W. Bush delivered his inaugural address, ‘We Are Bound By Ideals.’ While the entire speech makes for an interesting (if not appalling) read, I’ll only bring up a few points here for discussion purposes.

“And I thank Vice President Gore for a contest conducted with spirit, and ended with grace.” Grace? GRACE?? This ‘contest’ ended with anything but grace. The re-writing of history and bastardization of facts begins as soon as he takes oath.

“We have a place, all of us, in a long story; a story we continue, but whose end we will not see.” Oh, I disagree.. I think we’ll see the end very soon. The apocalypse is nearer than ever my friends! Prepare yourself for what is to come.

“We will build our defenses beyond challenge, lest weakness invite challenge. We will confront weapons of mass destruction, so that a new century is spared new horrors.” First of all, our defenses are already beyond challenge. That’s not exactly a program we’ve shortchanged. Our educational system, however, is underfunded across the board and is almost laughable on a world-wide level. We’re widely thought of as a nation of dumb-asses, and Dubbya, you’re not helping.

“I will live and lead by these principles: to advance my convictions with civility; to pursue the public interest with courage; to speak for greater justice and compassion; to call for responsibility, and try to live it as well. In all these ways, I will bring the values of our history to the care of our times.” George, if you want to pursue the public interest, resign!

Parents Starved Children ‘On God’s Orders’

NAIROBI – Six emaciated Kenyan children who were kept indoors and deprived of food for four weeks “on God’s orders” have been taken to a children’s home and their fanatical Christian parents have been arrested, police said on Monday. You know, I was a bad child myself.. but you know you’ve got really bad kids when even GOD hates them.

Well, that’s all the news unfit to print.. until next time, this is Chad Riden saying, “koo koo kachoo.”