Lame Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Show #1723

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Andy Garcia, Chris Matthews

PLUS: George Clarke’s Celebrity Interview, Holiday Hairpiece Not A Hairpiece, a Kaulter Twins piece from Entertainment Tonight, and other stuff.

“And now, Pashtun Tribal Leader, David Letterman!”

It’s funny, ’cause it’s TRUE! No, no, no. The actual Pashtun Tribal Leader is the soft-spoken Hamid Karzai, who was named interim Prime Minister by the U.N.-sponsored gathering of Afghan factions in Bonn, Germany. Hamid’s headquarters is a huddle of mud huts in the southern Afghan desert in Shahwalikot. Or at least that’s what that rag, TIME, says.

The monologue dripped with delicious comedy goodness:

- Guy in front of the Ed / middle finger / gave / bottle of cologne.
- NYC kids / pay attention to their faces / might have to pick them out of a lineup.
- Christmas gift for paperboy / put it in an envelope / drove by / threw it into a puddle.
- News from Afghanistan / Osama can’t communicate with his agents / I’ve had same problem / 20 years.
- Osama / facelift / doing pre-Oscar show with daughter Melissa bin Laden.
- Osama / improved look / so attractive / last night he went out and got “bin Laden.”

The middle finger guy is always fun. NYC kids’ faces is a funny rerun, too. I liked the Osama jokes as well. A short, sweet set.

Paul fanfare

Guest list

Oprah update: It’s “just a matter of time” according to People. If you ask me (and I know you haven’t), it’s just a matter of time until Oprah gets so full of herself she explodes. I just hope she’s outside of Chicago when it happens. I’d hate to see my sweet home splattered with Oprah-goo.

Oceans 11 has “fantastic star power.” The phrase “fantastic star power” reminds me of when the Star Trek kids took the Enterprise around the sun and went back in time. Sometimes I wish I could do that and go back to a time when the Star Trek franchise didn’t suck.

George Clarke has a celebrity interview with George Clooney. “George are you rubbing your foot against my leg?” “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself” “Stop it.” Dave says, “he’s just that good looking.” Is he talking about George? or was it George?

Holiday Hairpiece, Not A Hairpiece. Hi-ho babes in santa-babe suits.. what more do you need to know?

The Late Show Newsletter : Week of November 12, 2001 said, “Late Show supermodel Andrea Sande… is soon leaving New York City to join the cast of a soap opera produced in Brazil.” When is she leaving? I really don’t want her to go. I’ve been looking into ways to get Brazilian soap operas here in Nashville. If anybody has any suggestions, please let me know. Also, if there are any LSwDL staffers reading this, please tell Andrea I love her.

Dave feels bad about this guy, and guesses ‘not a hairpiece.’ I laughed at the obvious rug as soon as he was on camera. It still looked better than my hair at its best, though.

We went into the break 11:17 into the big show.

ACT 2

Felicia is using a slide thingie.. sounds good. I just got my first guitar a few weeks ago. I’m still learning my first song right now: “Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic. I don’t quite have it yet, but I’m getting closer.

Rupert says “the hair was going against the grain.” Will Rupert be with us all night? What does he do when he’s not? “I go home.” That’s funny, I’d expect Rupert to get wild on the town before retiring for the night. A decadent romp thru the streets of the city that never sleeps! Questionable activities while consorting with shady people in filthy places.. finally crashing out early in the morning in Central Park. Doesn’t everybody do that? or is it just me?

Dave brings up “Alan & Rick, the Kaulter Twins.” Hairpiece? Alan should have shot back something about Dave’s prison cut. What a great piece this was. The duo split in 1977.. “songs in the key of kaulter” was one of their albums.. Tonight Show clips! The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson! How cool. Reminds me of the times back when Tonight was still a proud beacon of quality comedic entertainment, not the pathetic smoldering shambles of a show it has become.

Mark Fichman (former manager) says, “about those gold records: did you look at them? they’re pancakes!” Ha! Alan (or is it Rick?) was interrupted while singing “Where is the love?” by Rick (or was it Alan?) screaming, “are you trying to miss every G-D note? Go to hell you red-headed freak!”
Jon Read (studio engineer), claims that this is, “the creepiest job i’ve ever had in my life. and i’ve worked with Michael Jackson.”

“They really like making up.” Both Alan and Rick in a spa, drinking champagne. It would be really disturbing if this wasn’t so funny.

Top 10: Excuses Of The American Taliban Guy. Boy what a tool, this kid is. The youth of America, ladies and gentlemen! Raise your kids, parents. Please.. I’m begging you.

The list claims he was tricked by the brochure.. was interning.. got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at.. thought it was a paintball game.

Going out to commercial, we see a bump shot of Alan and Rick’s toast..

ACT 3

Green Onions! Love that song. My favorite version of that is on The Blues Brothers’ “Made in America” album… co-produced by Paul Shaffer.

Andy Garcia
Andy plays Harry Benedict in the Ocean’s Eleven remake. I know Hollywood thinks it can do whatever it wants, but how can you possibly think you can do a better job at *anything* than Frank Sinatra and his “clan”? I’m an egomaniac, but I don’t even come close to that kinda gall. When visiting a military base, “they were wildly excited to see Julia.” Who wouldn’t be? If there are any Julia Roberts staffers reading this, please tell Julia I love her.

Andy is also in “The Man from Elysian Fields” as a male escort who was “turned out” and pimped by Mick Jagger. Apparently this happens often due to the dang-ole telemarketers. Here in Tennessee we have some kinda “No Call” law preventing the telemarketers from dialing us up. Does it work? I dunno. I don’t have a regular phone… just a cell. I’ve never recieved a telemarketing call on it.

ACT 4

Chris Matthews
Host of Hardball and author of “Now let me tell you what I really think.” Dave doesn’t think hardball is mean, instead he finds it exciting. I haven’t spent a lot of time watching the show. Chris thinks we’re back to honoring our 5-year-old heros: firemen, nurses. Great! Now, let’s pay them well. What good does it do to put a flag on your car and wear a stupid ribbon? Let’s do something of substance.

Dave asks about flying, and Chris answers with a comment about eye contact in NYC. “Homeland security” puts him in the mind of words like “motherland, fatherland.” That is kind of weird. Eventually getting to the flight question, Chris asks who is going to stop somebody from putting a “bandanna on the top of their head.” ME! No bandannas on my watch! I used to wear “doo rags”.. until Tupoc (God rest his soul) retired to that great golden Cadillac in the sky. Then, out of respect for the man who laid down his life for peace in hip-hop, I laid down my bandanna. Chris suggests we fight terrorists with our shoes, belts, and laptops.

“We’re like pioneer men, again… Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone.” What? When did this happen? We’re primitive people, but I don’t see “us” as Davy Crockett-like. I don’t get it.

Chris thinks the Osama tape contains “Hitler stuff, Nixon stuff.” Grouping Osama bin Laden with Hitler and Nixon? I laughed.

On the American Taliban kid: “Its a free country, he bought his ticket.” THAT, I agree with. Screw the little traitor.

ACT 5

Wave, yokels! You’re on tv!

ACT 6

Dave says Johnny Walker is “in a shipping container.” Good. Anybody who looks that much like Charles Manson should be kept in a giant Ziploc disposable tupperware thing. Mr Matthews says he’s “so far to the left, Hillary Clinton called him a traitor.” Hey, that’s pretty good! “Don’t let him ever come back, treat him like everybody else in the cave.”

A good guest. I started off not liking him, but when he started talking about the traitor-kid, he won me over. At least Chris Matthews has something of substance to say. I don’t always agree with him, but that’s good. If everybody agreed with me it’d be a frightening world.

ACT 7

The wrap up. “Come back when you have something on your mind.”

“Put on your pants.” Always good advice.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Mike says, “diamonds are so stupid. Hasn’t mankind evolved past the point of being fascinated with shiny rocks?”

I wish. Don’t buy expensive crap for Christmas presents.. it doesn’t mean you love them more, just ’cause you spent more money. Buy cheap crap! And what better place to buy cheap crap than Mangy Dog’s online store. Go now, go often, go nuts!

THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

Overall, I felt it was a great show. At least Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” didn’t completely screw the entire broadcast up the way they normally do. The Master Control Operator must’ve been asleep, ’cause usually he rolls breaks late, dips to black, and puts up obnoxious weather graphics that cover 2/3 of the screen talking about slightly inclement weather 100 miles away from their actual coverage area. Not tonight.. it was a clean show. Props to you, WTVF!

Bad Late Show Impressions
Wednesday, October 17, 2001
Show #1693
by Chad Riden

News From The International Idiots Home Office

Ethan Hawke; Judith Miller; and Quincy Jones.
PLUS: Dave’s Catalogs, and other stuff.

Have you ever had such a string of good fortune that you KNEW it was just a matter of time before the great yin-yang pendulum of luck swings the other way to slice and dice your life into neat finger-food-sized cubes? Well, sit back and enjoy your favorite lovely beverage as I recount the living hell which has been my Late Show viewing experience this evening.

The day started off looking good. Tuesday nights I perform my lame ass comedy at Zanies here in Nashville at 8 p.m. and then travel in a comedy caravan to The Cantina where we generally have a dozen or so local comedians perform at the open mic there. No cover, and 2-for-1 beers if you’re ever in town.

Those who give me money in exchange for my time during the day know this and allow me to come in “whenever” on Wednesdays. They know I’ll be out all night and are very nice to accommodate me. So I saunter in exactly at whenever on-the-dot and put in my time. Afterwards I went over to The Cantina for the daily Hungry Hour special – pasta and 2-for-1 beers. $5 for two beers and dinner, including tip. Not a bad day at all, so far..

I swing by the house and play with my little canine buddy, Guido, for a while. Then I trek over to Zanies to see Henry Cho perform for (without a doubt) the dumbest audience I’ve ever seen. It was an *amazingly* dim crowd.. they surprised me again and again with their stupidity and rude, jackass behavior.

I, being the responsible Guest Late Show Impressions Substitute Guy that I am, had set the vcr to tape Dave just in case I didn’t get home in time to do it myself. So when I got home and flipped the tv on at 10:45 (I’m in the Central Time Zone), I was horrified. Jay Leno was on my television.

Screaming bloody murder, I quickly flipped the er up a channel to Nashville’s CBS affiliate, “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader.” I had left the cable box on NBC after watching Ed. I had nobody to blame but myself, which made it all that much worse. So I missed the first 10 minutes of the Show. I tuned in just in time to hear Mr. Letterman say “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale!” so that’s where we’ll officially begin. What you’ve been reading so far was the preamble, or “ramble” as some of you are no-doubt thinking.

I enjoy steaks *and* roadkill, so “Omaha Steaks Roadkill Clearance Sale” sounds pretty good to me. “Morley Safer’s Secret” featured some great Photoshop work. At least I hope those were doctored photos.. regardless, a fine job from the graphics kids. Unsung heros, those graphic artists of the world. In regards to the L.L. Bean catalog I have to say: wilderness sex is sex the way God intended. Well, at least let me say wilderness sex was a freebie.. the rest is all human invention, I guess.

We go into the first break 12:59 into the show with a beautiful skyline bumper shot that seemed too pretty to be real. Here in Nashville, the fine folks at “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” are apparently training a new overnight Master Control Operator again. They allowed the national spots to play, and maybe slipped in a few of their own.. then they were in black for 20 seconds, came out to a commercial for 4 seconds, went to the CBS feed of Late Show (which had Ethan Hawke seated and speaking about “a complicated character… now most of these big stars like.. Tom Hanks…” we only got to see 9 seconds of that, then it was back to the commercial for the “Share a Pair and Save” promotion at Shoe Carnival. Then Rivergate Toyota’s Ultimate Jackass Used Car Sales Guy (“The Auto Giant”), who is a giant dork, gave us his pitch for 15 seconds.. then back to the Late Show still in progress. I, of course, was screaming at my tv.

Ethan explains his conflicted character. He didn’t seem to have much to say about his daughter. I like Uma stories.. I find her very appealing. Ever since Pulp Fiction, I’ve been irresistibly attracted to coke heads overdosing on heroin they snorted. Boy, does that get me going. That baseball clip was pretty cool. Ya know, when I’m working.. I don’t care how much money they’re paying me, I’m not running full speed into a wall so I can flip and catch a ball. It’s not happening. I may be a loyal employee.. I’m definitely a “team player”.. but if that happened while I’m on the job, somebody gets a base and a fan catches the ball.

Judith Miller seems nice.. oh wait, what’s that? My tape runs out and begins rewinding. I laugh, “of course the tape ran out. What’s next, raining frogs and rivers of blood?” Bring it on. I’m ready for whatever the gods choose to throw at me. At this point, who cares?

I slide a new tape into the machine and resume recording. Yes, let’s preserve this moment forever.

Judith turns out to be a good booking decision, in my opinion. A pleasant lady, knowledgeable, nice posture, and she was informative and interesting. We should be “concerned, vigilant, but not panicked.”

Wow, I really like that bumper shot of the World’s Fair thingie. It’s composed beautifully with the reflection on the water in the background, the fountains in the foreground, and some silhouetted trees in the lower left and right corners. The photographer used his “star” filter to get the X effect with the lights in the shot. Very nice.

The audience crane shot act always brings out the worst in people. 3/4 of the way back in the section right in front of the monologue area of the stage, on the aisle, is a man who (first of all) is wearing a US flag as a shirt. This, to me, screams “dork who is desperate to get on tv.” Along with the normal hands over the head frantic waving, he jumps up and down twice. Sit down, spanky. Go do that kinda crap behind your local newscasters’ live shots. The more serious the story the better.. they love that. Even the people in the balcony behave themselves.

Q. Why didn’t Dave introduce Quincy Jones simply as “Q”? It’s right there on the cover of his book and 4-cd boxed set. Apparently that’s what the guy likes to be known as. I understand that.. “Q” does sound cooler than “Quincy.” Ok, now’s the time when I show off just how little I know about real music:

CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC
Quincy does a little dance while his orchestra plays that cool song from “Austin Powers.” What I really want to know (besides the specifics about that piece of music) is what is that instrument that makes the cool noise when that one guy has his fist up it? And I don’t want to hear any crap about anyone’s honeymoon, either.
THIS WAS CHAD SHOWS OFF JUST HOW LITTLE HE KNOWS ABOUT REAL MUSIC

“Pants make the man.” What about a guy who happens to work at a pants sewing facility? Wouldn’t the man make the pants in that instance? Probably not. There’s a sewing sweatshop near my old high school in Athens, Tennessee.. I think it mainly employed women to work on the floor. Not many men want to say they sew for a living. All I remember about my visit to that plant is the stories about people not paying attention when operating the giant industrial sewing machines. Not good mental images, let me assure you. They didn’t exactly get us excited about possible employment opportunities there.

CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE
Mike axes: “We don’t need ‘National Boss Day.’ How about ‘Minimum Wage Day’?”
I wholeheartedly agree. Bosses be damned, let’s do something for the poor, hungry people struggling to make ends meet – living paycheck to paycheck. I’m doing well for myself right now and can’t complain.. but my first job in broadcast television was with WKXT-TV. In early to mid 1996, I was the new guy.. doing the dirty work for $5.25 an hour. My boss, Production Manager David Williams, came up to me one day and said, “Hey, congratulations!” “Huh?” “You get a raise today!” “Really! Wow, thanks!” I was excited.. I was just a poor student at UT, working 3 jobs and only able to afford Raman noodles and beer. Later during the newscast, the anchor reads that Congress has raised minimum wage by a quarter. Congratulations to you, Mr. Williams: you were the biggest dickhead I’ve ever worked for.
THIS WAS CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION SPARKED FROM THE WAHOO GAZETTE

The parts of the show that “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” chose to allow me to view tonight were good. It’s a shame that the MCO this evening didn’t care enough about the on-air product to actually run the board during the show. I’m just glad he got all his smoke breaks in… otherwise I never would have had the chance to see that same local commercial break that extra time. God bless you “NewsChannel5″ WTVF-TV, “Your News & Information Leader” and God bless The United States Of America!

The shame I have to live with is this: someday I’ll think to myself, “Hey there Chaddy, why don’t you throw in a tape of some Late Shows from the October 2001 era. That was a good time. Let’s check it out.” Then I’ll watch a few shows.. and as the Tuesday, October 16 show comes to a close I’ll think, “Hey, chin up. Another show will immediately follow this one!” And I’ll anticipate the hilarious comedy. Then I’ll be horrified by the Tonight show open. That’s the worst part about all this: my Letterman Library has been infected with an unholy presence, and it will haunt me for years to come. Cruel fate.