I just got my Power Chair Scooter for FREE!

• If you can’t trust “the Juggalos,” WHO CAN YOU TRUST!? Of course, if I could throw piss-filled balloons at Tila Tequila, I probably would. #
• http://ping.fm/Bcwzl – I just got my Power Chair Scooter for FREE! Thanks Medicare! Get yours today from TheScooterStore.com #
• Everyone has the equal right to believe whatever they want.. and I believe that everyones beliefs are equally stupid. #
• Tonight I’m cooking up a giant kettle full of Don’t Give A Crap. Come on by! There’s plenty for everyone. #
• RT @comedynews Paul Reubens Playboy Magazine Interview http://adjix.com/zyt7 // holy crap! @peeweeherman please make “Death Wish Pee-wee” #
• RT @angelbomb: @ChadRiden When you coming back to MN, homey? // no idea. Petition ACME or somebody to bring me up there. #
• I just want to point out that I predicted Google Wave’s miserable failure immediately: http://ping.fm/FbS7a #
• my absolute favorite song of all time: Uncle Pecos on ‘Tom and Jerry’ singing “Crambo”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xGC9mNwTwQ #
• honestly, I’m more interested in hearing about innovative uses of anti-social media. #
• The tagline for Comedy Central’s “Big Lake” should be “drown in disappointment!” #
• there is just not enough time for all of the hating-stuff that I’ve been meaning to do. Sorry guys. #

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I guess it makes sense?

If one good luck charm doesn’t work out the way they planned, hopefully the other will save the day, right?

I don’t know where you buy one of these but I’ll bet somebody got rich selling them. I wonder what they credit more for their success? Luck? Jesus? The fusion of both made their dreams come true. May we all be so lucky / blessed.

What Would Jesus Eat?

BEHOLD! True believers the world over, rejoice! I have received a message from our Lord and Savior Jesus Herbert Christmas, the third HIMSELF!

I was preparing to make (or “fiddin’ ta fix” for my more rural friends) a bowl of delicious pasta for myself and was blessed to find a shepherd’s crook in my box of spaghetti. A semolina representation of the symbol of the gentle shepherd of men! Clearly, The Lord Hey-Zeus Himself has chosen to appear to me in delicious noodle form to spread blessings to all who view this glorious representation of Him.

Townsfolk in the greater Nashville area have been flocking to view this glorious miracle and YOU CAN, TOO! Use my contact form to schedule your pilgrimage to see the HOLY SPAGHETTI! All we ask is a meager donation of $20 or more to The Church Of The Holy Spaghetti Thing to cover our operational costs.

May the Holy Spaghetti bless us all!

A couple years ago I wrote a bit that began with jokes about Nashville’s Nascar Cafe shutting down. With a paper thin segue flimsily in place, I suggested that it was just a matter of time until the Baptists opened their own theme restaurant. “This IS the Bible Belt.. they control everything else in town. Why not?” Well, my friends, it may not be the Baptists specifically, but today’s Tennessean reports that soon there will be a Christian-themed restaurant in downtown Nashville where Planet Hollywood used to be.

This is a fantastic idea. Not only does this mean they’ll remove that ridiculous Planet Hollywood crap from Broadway, but now I can rehash my old material and it will seem timely and fresh. Thanks, God, you’re the greatest!

“They’ll probably call it something stupid like.. The Last Supper. It’ll be the only pot-luck restaurant in town. I can just imagine the menu. I can’t wait to get a Moses burger on unleavened wheat. They’ll have all the biblical favorites: fishes, loaves, wine.. but the wine will taste suspiciously watered down. (Ahh! Miracle wine!) You can’t say anything, though.. it’s Christ’s place.. you can’t bust on Jesus! In most restaurants, the customer is always right. Not in the Christian Cafe.. here, you’re WRONG.. you’ve ALWAYS BEEN WRONG and if you don’t change your ways (and leave a good tip) you’ll burn in Hell FOREVER!”

For my dear sweet mother’s sake, let me say that I’m not anti-Christian. I don’t hate Jesus.. but I don’t trust organized religions. There’s a big difference in what God says and what men say God said when they didn’t actually hear it themselves.. but instead heard it thru a game of “Telephone” that has lasted about 2000 years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to mock other people’s beliefs.. oh, wait.. yes, I am.

Maybe it’s just me, but I’ll trust the visions of a native American smoking a peace pipe before I’d listen to a Latin-speaking pedophile. You lost me somewhere between the Crusades, Inquisitions, the selling of indulgences and the ex-communication of people who first thought that the world was round and revolved around the sun. If you want to hear the Catholics try to bullshit their way into heaven, see the Columbia University Augustine Club’s Catholic Church FAQ – it’s great for a laugh. Ahh, but once again I’ve digressed.

Back home in Nashville, a group of investors reportedly paid over $7 million for the old Planet Hollywood facility. Wes Lamoureux, one of the real estate developers who invested in the restaurant, says “we’re going to be aiming at the college crowd.” The Tennessean article reports that the new eatery won’t serve alcohol or allow smoking (and as we all know, college kids HATE drinking and smoking). Mr. Lamoureux explains, “our motive isn’t profit.” Well, Wes, if not turning a profit is your goal, I think your business plan is perfect!

It’s just another fun chapter in the saga of the vacant buildings in downtown Nashville. Last Monday we did a comedy show at Seanachie Irish Pub across the street on 4th and Broadway. This show was so incredibly good, the owners of Seanachie’s had no idea how to follow it. We blew the roof off the joint so hard, legally they could never sell another alcoholic beverage in that space again. The surrounding businesses were jealous of that night’s success and had Seanachie’s business license revoked. The next day, Seanachie closed it’s doors forever.

I don’t know if there is a lesson to be learned, but if you have a struggling business and need somebody to put it out of it’s misery, consider booking a night of comedy. We need the stage time. Plus, once you’re closed down you can use the time to reinvent your club and come up with an entirely new doomed concept.

It’s actually a comfort to me to see businesses closing their doors downtown. I moved to Nashville from the orange and white city of Knoxville, so when I see a desolate, empty downtown it makes me feel at home. Keep it up, Nashville! We’ll turn this rugged state into a giant HoboTown housing project before you can say “lack of public !”

It’s the moosssst nauseating tiiiime of the year. Well, almost.. Valentines Day is hard to beat. The December Holidays are second in the race for most depressing season only because there isn’t heart-shaped crap in your face everywhere you go. Instead, it’s the cliched Christmas garbage that has been crammed down our throats so many times that we’re fooled into thinking it’s tradition.

This continued complete bastardization of the true meaning of the season has permeated every aspect of our daily lives. Everywhere you go.. what do you see? It’s out there in the malls.. it’s all over radio, television and the internet. It’s even inked all over that pathetic, old-world, dead medium, print.

Will we ever be able to escape from it all and get back to the basics? Or have they permanently altered our concept of what the meaning of this season is? What values and customs will our children pass on to theirs? I wonder if the old ways I know and love will be forgotten. Will the ways of my ancestors eventually wither and die from lack of interest like the wonderful Police Academy franchise? I’d like to bring Christmas back to what I refer to as the “Police Academy 1 -- 4″ era.. the glory years.. the way it should be. As it stands, our holidays are stuck somewhere in the “Police Academy television series” era.. a total disgrace.

More than anything else, the one thing that really burns me is the way the religious zealots keep trying to sneak God, Jesus and The Bible into this once-sacred celebration. Always pushing their wacky ideas on everybody.. trying to make religion the focus instead of the one thing that we hold near and dear as holy: commercialism.

It just makes me sick to think that consumer spending is down so low this quarter. How can you call yourself an American if you’re not out there buying big ticket items like the Nintendo Wii? Don’t you care about the economy? Don’t you care about your kids? The only way to let your friends and family know that you love them is to buy them something impersonal and expensive. Roses and X-Boxes are good, but diamonds and SUV’s are better.

When will we all wake up and realize that self-reflection, worship and spending time with loved ones wastes precious time when we could be watching Coca-Cola polar bear commercials? While Satans little helper, Martha Stewart, pushes her wreaths and wassail, true traditionalists like myself know that nothing says “peace on earth” quite like over-extending your credit to buy the latest disposable-fad products at your local Wal-Mart.

Maybe I’m being too critical. It’s just that when I hear all this junk about the so-called “true meaning of the season” it really burns my brownies. I’m just thankful that when I get depressed about the way the world is heading, I can go into any Quickie-Stop-N-Shop and see Santa endorsing cartons of Lucky Strikes. That always cheers me up.

Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kooky Kwanza, Funky Festivus, or whatever the hell it is you celebrate. I’ll help spread a little holiday cheer.. here’s a classic clip of my cameo appearance as Tiny Tim in George C. Scott’s “A Christmas Carol.” Clip courtesy of WBXX-TV.

httpv://www.youtube.com/v/YX075Zm_ahs&hl=en&fs=1